You don't have to. But it's good manners to share your kill with your People. If makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you give them gifts like that, so offering half is just polite.
I wouldn't worry about sharing with the other cats. If they want a mouse, they can catch a mouse. But they, too, need to make an offering to the People. Because the people, they have the thumbs that open the cans for us...
The man who passes gas...does he have stomach problems??
Hmmm. He might. But it must be some wicked good gas he produces, because there's a hospital that pays him to pass it. It's so potent that it knocks people put so the stabby guys can cut them open and peek at their guts. I don't question it too much, because his gift of gas affords me some decent Stinky Goodness and crunchy treats pretty much every day.
How much nip can we buy if we sell our woofie housemates?
Sadly, woofies don't have any real marketable value. I mean, come on...they're dogs. You might get a sympathy buyer, but I don't think you'll get enough for any premium nip. Maybe enough for a 3 ounce bag of generic brand. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Why do goggies like to eat cat poop? A friend's dog thinks the cat box is a treasure box of goodness (ewwww)!
Oh man, dood, I dunno, but Hank the Dog? HE USED TO EAT HIS OWN!!! Seriously! He would go out in the back yard and scarf down like it was candy. So so so so gross. One time he did that, and then at like 2 in the morning he puked it back up right next to the peoples' bed! You should have heard the gagging and retching sounds the Woman made. Heh.
He couldn't get to my box, though. It was upstairs and he couldn't get up the stairs, so he never had a chance at my poop.
But yeah, dood. SO gross!
He couldn't get to my box, though. It was upstairs and he couldn't get up the stairs, so he never had a chance at my poop.
But yeah, dood. SO gross!
Do you and Buddah share toys, or do you each play with your own toys?
We share a lot, but there are a few things that we tend to respect each others' ownership on. Buddah LOVES the little pink nip pigs, so I leave those alone. And I have no use for his scratching pads. But we'll both play with the nip bananas...I'm ok with him playing with mine as long as he doesn't try to play with it when I already have it. It helps that I don't play a whole lot. And he does.
I want to introduce a new kitteh to my current one, as I think he needs a companion :) How did your people successfully introduce Buddah into your hom
I wouldn't call Buddah and me a success...we still don't really like each other, but most of the time we're not trying to kill each other, so I guess that's good.
But...I think the best way to make it work is to keep the new kitty in a room by himself for a week or so, and let the kitties sniff each other through the closed door. After a few days bring out something the new kitty has used a lot so that the first kitty can sniff it and get used to his scent. You might wanna do this a few times.
Then after a week or so, gradually introduce them...a few minutes here or there until you increase the time that its so long they just either ignore each other or realize they really like each other. You'll know when that is.
Just make sure the new kitty is healthy before you do anything, like the sniffing stuff. Because Buddah was sick and gave me his cooties, and I nearly died. I think that's why I don't like him.
But...I think the best way to make it work is to keep the new kitty in a room by himself for a week or so, and let the kitties sniff each other through the closed door. After a few days bring out something the new kitty has used a lot so that the first kitty can sniff it and get used to his scent. You might wanna do this a few times.
Then after a week or so, gradually introduce them...a few minutes here or there until you increase the time that its so long they just either ignore each other or realize they really like each other. You'll know when that is.
Just make sure the new kitty is healthy before you do anything, like the sniffing stuff. Because Buddah was sick and gave me his cooties, and I nearly died. I think that's why I don't like him.
How can I get my human to take me leash walking more?
Well...I'm not sure why you'd want to but, I think the best way is to employ TeH Cute. And people can't resist it if you grab your leash in your mouth and drag it to them. Then meow a lot. Do this enough and you can probably manipulate the awwww into having trained them to take you out on command.
Humans say time is of essence. What is essence?
Well...as near as I can tell, an essence is an odor. Like herbal essence smells like pine trees. So when people say that, I think they mean time stinks. As in, "I have to stay late at work. This stinks."
People whine a lot.
People whine a lot.
Are you going to be writing another Cat Blogosphere book?
I would like it if we could all do another book... the last time we tried, though, there were only a few submissions, not nearly enough to take it to print.
If enough kitties would participate, we could definitely do another one.
If enough kitties would participate, we could definitely do another one.
How wide is the sky?...How deep is the ocean?
354 clouds wide...9,846,403 fishies deep.
I measured twice.
Srsly.
I measured twice.
Srsly.
What are you reading these days? Listening to? Buddah, what are you reading? Listening to?
Mostly, I read blogs. Lots and lots of really good blogs. Buddah reads comics. Seriously. Just the comics.
What we both listen to...a lot of "No" this and "No" that. I swear, the people are like a couple of broken records.
What we both listen to...a lot of "No" this and "No" that. I swear, the people are like a couple of broken records.
How do you and Buddah get your 'tocks so shiny? Pookie
It's from the Stinky Goodness, I think. The oils in the gooshy foods helps us keep our furs nice and soft, and makes them shiny. I bathe a lot, too. Buddah, not so much, but he's shiny anyway. So, yeah, it must be from the Stinky Goodness.
We liff with a pazz kitty and all he wants to do is playplayplay. He keeps us all up all day. Short of making our hooman take him back to the shelter,
That's the problem with younger kitties...they're usually in full on crackhead mode and they have so much energy it comes out in a giant display of SPAZZZZ. There's not a lot you can do about it, other than wait until he grows out of the crackhead phase.
Well...you CAN corner him and sit on him every time he annoys you. Little kitties don't seem to enjoy being squashed by the 'Tocks of Doom. It won't stop him from spazzing out, but it'll make you feel better.
Well...you CAN corner him and sit on him every time he annoys you. Little kitties don't seem to enjoy being squashed by the 'Tocks of Doom. It won't stop him from spazzing out, but it'll make you feel better.
Max, I just read you blog today and saw the pic of you and Buddah. Have you put on weight? Or is it just the angle? pyewacket
Dood. Really? Don't know you I'm 14 15 16 17 pounds of pure MUSCLE? It's all black & white glory, baby, and I rock it hard!
why is my hooman putting all my stuff in boxes? I don't want my stuff in boxes.
Oh man, doood, I hope you're not about to get creamed with the M-word. I hate the M-word. But...that might be it. You might be moving :::shudder::: to new digs.
On the other hand, sometimes the Woman puts our toys in a box and hides them for a while, so that later they'll feel like new again. Maybe that's it. I hope so, for your sake.
On the other hand, sometimes the Woman puts our toys in a box and hides them for a while, so that later they'll feel like new again. Maybe that's it. I hope so, for your sake.
Max, How do I let my being know why I keep pooping in the bathtub? I try and tell her, but she don't listen...Love Trixie
I dunno...people are hard to train, and getting them to understand us is near impossible. If you're doing it because you're sick, howl when you're in the tub, maybe she'll make the connection, but I wouldn't count on it. If you're doing it because your litter box is too dirty, try pooping on the floor just outside it. But if you poop in the tub because you want to annoy her...just keep doing it.
Where's Waldo??
Why? What did you hear? I swear, the last time I saw him he was with those other two kitties and he was SOBER, man, SOBER. I did NOT slip him anything funny in his drink and then roll him down the hill onto the freeway when he passed out, if someone said that they were surely mistaken and...
Oh.
He's in Albuquerque.
I swear.
Oh.
He's in Albuquerque.
I swear.
Sometimes I get bottled water...am I special, or is my human just too lazy to get me live, fresh faucet water?
Doood! Bottled water is like 9000 times more spendy than faucet water, so obviously it's because you're special! All I get is filtered water. If the people realized how awesome I really am, I'd get bottled, too. Man. Now I want bottled water.
I like a lady cat who seems to like me, and I've even gotten permission from the human to call on her, but now I hear nothing from her. Is she playing
Hmmm...I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's just busy, like in the middle of a long string of naps, or curled up in a sunspot she doesn't want to give up. It surely can't be because she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, because you're, like, 7 different kinds of awesome. Right?
How many strangers, moving stuff around and bothering stuff, should I tolerate before I bite someone?
Just one, and that's being generous. No one should move your stuff unless you want them to, so if anyone does and it annoys you, at the very least pooping on them in fair game. If they don't take the hint, let the biting commence, 'cause doood, they obviously asked for it...
Why do I have to get a b-a-t-h, when it's another cat that's actually dirty?
Dood, seriously? Your people stick you in a BATH??? Oh my... You need to start pooping on their things, and poop RIGHT NOW. Because clearly, something is wrong, and they need to be punished for thinking ANY kitty needs a bath! That's why we have such awesome tongues! I mean... :::shudder:: the horror. I am very very sorry you have to go through that. I need to go lie down now. Just thinking about it...
Why does my cat prefer faucet water, even though it has fresh, live, brand new BOWL of water??
Because bowl water just sits there. It doesn't DO anything. At least with faucet water, we're CATCHING something. Just do your job and amuse the kitty by turning the faucet on, and stand there and wait until he's done. It's not like you have anything better to do.
Who is crazier, the man or the woman?
Most days, it's hard to tell. But just look at which one of them just walked 60 miles and slept outside in the cold. That should tell you something.
Buddah, what is it like living with Max?
Actually living with Max isn't too bad because he's old and he sleeps a lot so I don't have to out up with his grumpiness too much but honestly it could be better if he would play more and grump less, but he gets us crunchy treats a lot so I can't complain. ~Buddah
Buddah, what is your favorite thing to do?
Oh! Oh! My favorite thing to do is to play Thundering Herd of Elephants and I love it so much that sometimes I play it all by myself because lots of times max is too grumpy to play, so that's when I do it all alone but I always include Max at the very end when I run up to him and bite him on the back of the neck! That's great fun! ~Buddah
Why is there a bull sitting on a bench in Ellensburg, WA?
One day, a bull was wandering around Ellensburg. He was just chillin' out, trying to get a good look at the people, trying to figure them and their weird ways out. Now, he was trying to be as unobtrusive as he could, but, well, he was a bull for freak's sake and people took notice of him. Much excitement ensued and people ran screaming.
Well, he knew enough about people to know that some of them do wrong things when they are scared, and some of them call policemen to do their dirty work, but that the policemen at least try to remain level headed, so when he saw a cop he headed for him. He knew that he would have to do anything the cop said, but he would be safe from the screaming people.
Well. The cop had his back to the bull, and was talking to a hysterical people, trying to get the person to speak calmly so that he could understand what the problem was. And when he finally understood what the person thought she'd seen walking around, the bull heard him say, "Oh bull sit."
So that's what the bull did.
No one ever told him to get up, though. He's still waiting for permission.
Well, he knew enough about people to know that some of them do wrong things when they are scared, and some of them call policemen to do their dirty work, but that the policemen at least try to remain level headed, so when he saw a cop he headed for him. He knew that he would have to do anything the cop said, but he would be safe from the screaming people.
Well. The cop had his back to the bull, and was talking to a hysterical people, trying to get the person to speak calmly so that he could understand what the problem was. And when he finally understood what the person thought she'd seen walking around, the bull heard him say, "Oh bull sit."
So that's what the bull did.
No one ever told him to get up, though. He's still waiting for permission.
What is a meezerschnitzel?
A Meezerschnitzel is a kitty who is just so cute to people that they just want to eat it up. Not that they really would...it's just one of those stupid things they say sometimes. Kind of like "I love you so much I could just pop!" I've never seen a people pop, though there are a few I'd like to...
It goes without saying, though I'll say it anyway, that there are also Tuxsichnitzel, Gingerschnitzel, Tabbyschnitzel, etc kitties... I, of course, being a manly mancat and 16 pounds of pure muscle, am a Tuxibeefcake...
It goes without saying, though I'll say it anyway, that there are also Tuxsichnitzel, Gingerschnitzel, Tabbyschnitzel, etc kitties... I, of course, being a manly mancat and 16 pounds of pure muscle, am a Tuxibeefcake...
How do both you and Buddah feel about the woman giving up so much of your life, and privacy, to the public...and keeping hers private?
Wait...is the Woman out there spreading lies about me? I read her blog, she hasn't been talking about me a whole lot lately. Mostly she talks about boobies. And damn, keeping her life private? Dood, she's always taking about herself, like no one else is out there. It's a good thing I have my own blog where I can counter some of that human ego-centrism... as for my life being out there...the world needs to know about me. They need my awesomeness. It's a bright spot in an otherwise dreary existence, no?
Have you ever considered letting Buddah answer more of his own questions?
I might, if Buddah got some actual questions...
Some of us don't have Facebook and don't intend to get it. How can we keep up with Buddah if he doesn't update his blog, too?
The Woman is still pondering this...it's easy to update his FB page, not always as easy to come up with blog posts. And no matter what the answer is, someone will complain. There's just no way to make everyone happy.
Max, how does Buddah feel about being on Facebook?
He seems to like it; it suits his Spastic Little Brain Syndrome quite well... I think his only qualm is that sometimes he has to self-edit, because his issues with the run-on sentence tend to have him over the FB status update character limit.
Max, Is the Woman actually training how to walk for boobies or is she really using you as a ghost-player on FarmVille? Busted! LOL Tommy
Well, actually, no one's busted. The Woman walks and walks and walks, but it's the Man who uses my FB account to play Farmville. Apparently his own account isn't enough, and he likes cluttering my Wall with all that crap.
Since me having FV seems to be useful to my friends who play, I have no objection. Other than all the crap on my Wall.
Since me having FV seems to be useful to my friends who play, I have no objection. Other than all the crap on my Wall.
When are you going to take over the world? Or the Woman?
Well, I was gonna do it yesterday, but then I got sleepy and took a nap. I thought I'd get around to it in the afternoon, but, doood, I swear another sleep bomb went off in the house. So I figured this morning, this morning I would totally take over the world. But then I got crunchy treats AND Stinky Goodness, and, well...sleep. So maybe tomorrow.
But I've totally dominated the Woman. Totally.
But I've totally dominated the Woman. Totally.
How do kittens get inside the mom cat's stomach?
Well, first she has to meet an acceptable boy cat. Then there's all this bow-chikka-bow-wow music, some wrestling, at least one "get OFF me" and =bang= next thing you know she's got kitties in her stomach. So clearly, it's because of the bow-chikka-bow-wow music. If you hear that, RUN.
Why are some cats lucky and get opposable thumbs, and others do not?
Kitties who are getting opposable thumbs are the next step in evolution. It sucks for the rest of us who didn't get them, but at least we know that it's gonna happen, and pretty soon, cats will dominate EVERYTHING! Or at least the cans of Stinky Goodness...
Max, how much longer before I grow opposable thumbs?
Over 9 years....at least, I that's how long I've been waiting to grow a set...
Max, Do you or Buddah ever pull stunts on the Dad? Max, Orion and Pyewacket
Buddah likes to wake him at night and get head skritches, but mostly I like to sit like a vulture and watch him eat, because a lot of the time he eats real live fresh dead shrimp and I want him to give me some.
How long did it take you to train your humans?
They're a constant work in progress...but what can a guy expect? They are people, after all.
What advice would you give to humans to make their kitty's life better?
Remember that kitties have feelings, too, and every time you get ticked off for cats being cats hurts their feelings. Plus, open more cans of stinky goodness. Lots more cans.
Have your humans ever done anything to make you dizzy?
Well, there was this one time a long time ago, when they got a call and it was like OH NO SOMEONE IS COMING OVER! and they ran around like headless chickens trying to clean the house up enough to be presentable, and I got a little dizzy watching them freak out. I'm pretty sure that's the last time they cleaned, too...
Do you purr while you play with your hooman?
If by "play" you mean "imagine their bloody demise," then yes, I absolutely do...
Why do cats nom plant life? Do they really want the greens or do they just want to be obnoxious?
Some kitties really do like the green stuff and enjoy the taste. I'm not one of them, but I get the appeal. Now, when it comes to plants and flowers that you treasure, the nomming upon them is really just a reminder that sometimes you sleep, and sometimes we don't...
Max, what do you think Buddah has learnt from you? Dee.
The most important thing that little monster has learned from me is how to utilize Teh Cute in order to get crunchy treats. It took a couple of years but he can now meow sweetly and paw at the cupboard door where the special crunchy food is kept, and this almost always gets the Woman to give us both some. Other than that...you know Buddah is "special" and seems to be afflicted with Feline ADD, so him learning anything is an accomplishment... What we'd all like him to lean from me is how to cover up before leaving the litterbox. I mean, really...cripes.
My cats like to chew each other's whiskers off. They've been doing this since they were kittens and don't seem to mind, but it looks weird. Is there a
Well, you could mock them and make them feel bad about their whiskerless selves, but that would just be mean. And then they would have to get revenge, which might mean posting pictures of you online doing something embarrassing, like picking boogers or pooping. Have you asked them nicely to stop? Maybe they just want to be asked...
Have you seen this dude? I thought he might perhap be a relative... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc79iJnwvJ4
Heh. I've seen him. He makes me LOL...
There are two new yappy puppies living downstairs from us. How can I get them to not talk so much, especially if I'm not allowed down there?
Poop down the air vents.
A lot.
Like, twice a day.
They'll get the message.
A lot.
Like, twice a day.
They'll get the message.
What is Pi?
Pi = Round pastry thing minus a slice. I'm pretty sure, anyway. And while I'm thinking about it, why is there no catnip pie? Or real live fresh dead shrimp pie? Or real live fresh dead shrimp pie laced with Nip? That would be SWEEEET!
Outside of real live fresh dead shrimp, what are your "comfort" foods?
Real live fresh dead chicken, real live fresh dead cow, and Temptations crunchy treats. Oh, and donuts! I love donuts! I never GET any, but dang those are AWESOME!!!
Where do kittens come from?
The SPCA, a box in front of Tarzhey Booteek with a couple of sticky people begging people to take one, newspaper ads, and Craigslist, apparently.
How long is a "power" nap?
About 2 hours, or until some thoughtless person makes a noise and startles you awake...
Should I worry about someone coming into our home, moving stuff around, and removing stuff?
If they're there without your people being there, yep, you should worry. Because one way or the other, they'll find a way to blame you...
I really enjoy reading Ask Max Anything. What is your favorite part of doing it?
Knowing that I'm helping the world become a better place.
No, really.
Well, that and the chicks... ;)
No, really.
Well, that and the chicks... ;)
What is your favorite thing about being a ginormous world famous author, blogger, and now an advice columnist?
The chicks, doood, the chicks...
Max--there's a new cat in my house. How do I get rid of him. I've tried deathly ill and now I am trying to swat him to death, but he ignores me.
You do know Buddah is still here, right? Sometimes even my best efforts fail.
My human likes to watch something on the picture box, called Unknown Persons. If they are unknown, why does she want to watch them?
So she can come to know them, I guess. People are weird that way, thinking they can figure it all out...
I want to dream the impossible dream, but what is it? I thought anything was possible!
Well...anything is possible, but not everything is possible. So dreaming the impossible dream is entirely possible, but figuring out what it is might not be possible, because if it was possible then the dream would not be impossible, therefore causing you to divide by zero and making the universe implode.
Do I need to change my white furs to "winter white" after the U.S. holiday called Labor Day?
This is truly a choice each kitty can only make for himself. Me, I'm going to keep my spectacular white underside just as it is, because it is GLORIOUS and deserves to be highlighted every day of the year.
When my human has company, how many additional humans should be allowed before I get hissy?
None. In fact, go ahead and get hissy at just the IDEA that there might be extra people. Just get hissy at the ones already there, because surely they've done something to deserve it. It is your divine right to get hissy, for any reason at any time. Embrace it.
In the litterbox...is it REALLY neccessary to cover?
Well, no. It's not necessary, but it sure is less gross. If you want to annoy the people after an especially disgusting litterbox deposit, don't cover, since the smell will hit them like a Mike Tyson sucker punch, but otherwise...yeah, cover. It'll make stepping into the box the next time a less tap-dancy kind of thing.
whats my cats name?
I don't know...have you asked him? He might tell you if you ask nicely and offer some crunchy treats or real live fresh dead shrimp.
Do you like rides in the car? Does Buddah?
Nooooo...Rides always mean something bad is going to happen, like the M-word or a trip to the stabby place. Buddah doesn't like them, either, especially if the end result is the M-word.
do you like kitty crack...er cat nip?
Does Dolly Parton have ginormous boobs? Does the Pope wear a funny hat? Does a bear scarf Cheetos when an idiot camper leaves them out?
Every time mom we hear of furry friends going to The Bridge, not only does leak lots of water but then she keeps squishing me. How can I keep her from
You can't doood. And maybe you shouldn't. I mean, it's kind of unpleasant, but every time one of our friends goes to the bridge it scares our people because they know that chances are we'll be going there, too, long before they'll be ready for that to happen. So they feel like they have to hold on, and they get all leaky because it scares them, and they feel bad for our friends' peoples.
I think intellectually they know we're having a pretty freaking good time at the Bridge, but if we're not HERE, they can't see us and touch us...sometimes we just have to let them squeeze us, and purr hard for them.
And then, when they've held and squeeze enough, we can pee on something they like. That's only fair.
I think intellectually they know we're having a pretty freaking good time at the Bridge, but if we're not HERE, they can't see us and touch us...sometimes we just have to let them squeeze us, and purr hard for them.
And then, when they've held and squeeze enough, we can pee on something they like. That's only fair.
Do you Jeremiah, that was a bullfrog? (He's was a good friend of mine.)
I knew him, but I never understood a single word he said. He had some wicked good wine, though. I helped him drink it. Word.
How deep is the ocean, how wide is the sea?
Deep enough to store enough real live fresh dead fish to last a Max lifetime, and wide enough for a bunch of real live fresh dead shrimp to do whatever real live fresh dead shrimp do before I eat them.
Max, have you read "Catalyst" by Anne McCaffrey and Elizabeth Ann Scarbourgh? If you did, what did you think of Chessie and Chester? Dee.
I haven't, but I bet the Man has. He likes Ms. McCaffery's books. At least there are a BUNCH of them on the bookshelf...
Have you actually had a fight with Butters, or do you just not like the sound of him?
I do not care to get close enough to that damned dog Butters to have a fight with him. I just make a beeline for my mancat cave when he's here, and pretend he's not here. I'm not sure he WOULD fight with me...he might just eat me and be done with it.
What is your definition of "cool?"
I just look in the mirror, baby, and there it is.
Wicked cool.
Word.
Wicked cool.
Word.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life...How will you spend it?
I'm thinking good, long nap. Followed by eating, and another good long nap. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Sometimes my kitties steal my stuff and hide it (like Lego pieces, hair clips, puzzle pieces) - what gives?! Kiera, the little bean
Well...you have interesting stuff. And it's kitty sized. Plus, it's fun to watch people look for things, and since you're now a bona-fied sticky people, it's fun to watch you look. The thing is, they'd tell you where they hid your stuff if they could. Because your kitties are cool like that...
How many blankets do you own?
All of them...but I let each of the people use 2 of them, and I have a couple stored away for future use. But they're mine. All mine.
When exactly is the 12th of Never? I know it's a long, long time.
It's right after the second Tuesday of next weekend...
When you come to a fork in the road, will you take the road less travelled?
Hell no. I'm going to stop and look for whatever real live fresh dead edible thing is there, because where there's a fork, there's food.
Several friends have lots of cats in the family. What would you do if your humans brought home more cats (or woofies)?
Before or after I killed them in their sleep...?
I'm reach senior age, should I excercise more and or take vitamins? How many naps should I be taking a day?
When you're a senior kitty, you should exercise only when you feel like it, eat what you want when you want, and nap when you feel like it. Though, I think it's important that you get good protein sources, like real live fresh dead shrimp, because that will 1) make you healthy in your advancing age and 2) just make you happy. And when you're old, you need to be happy.
What do you do while your humans are away?
Last time, I hid in the closet because that damned dog Butters was here. I think when the Woman goes to walk to save the boobies, they're just going to leave a lot of food out one night and the Man will come home the next to make sure we're ok and he'll give us Stinky Goodness.
Do you ever go on vacations with the humans?
It's bad enough I had to endure the M-word across the country with the twice, and too many other times just around here. When they went away, the Younger Human keeps and eye on us. He brought that damned dog Butters with him, though. Luckily they were only gone like one night.
Heathcliff or Garfield?
Heathcliff, but only because I find Garfield to be so freaking repetitive that my mind wants to melt when I read it. And because I've never read Heathcliff. So that puts him up front.
Do you know Quasi (another kitty author)? Are you friends? What do you think of him?
I read his blog and I think he's awesome! I don't think he knows who I am, though...
Why does my kitty leave the litter box at a full run after he's pooped?
Because, if you jet out of the box at the right moment, you bring the wonderful aroma of what you've just done in a nice little ribbon of SMELL THIS wafting behind you, and really, it would be selfish to not share that.
Where in the world is the human, Matt Lauer?...and do we really even care?
I'm sure someone cares, and if they do...I looked and he's inside our TV. He doesn't seem to mind being there, but if anyone really wants him, they can come get him.
Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you...?
No, and you know what? I don't get get what I'm hoping for, either, No open door, nothing leading to and endless supply of real live fresh dead shrimp. On the bright side, no dreams have slipped through my hands, but that's only because I don't have opposable thumbs!
Who's smarter...the man or the woman?
Really...they're about the same smart, which isn't saying much. The Man is smarter about some things, like remembering what's on TV and passing gas, and the Woman is smarter at other things, like....like... Well, there's something, but who knows what it is. If I think of it, I'll get back to you.
Why do humans insist on drinking out of tall, skinny glass things? A bowl is so much easier!
They like to show off. it's that whole opposable thumbs thing. They have them and we don't, and they like to make us feel inferior because of it, and that's one way they can rub it in. And people, they really like to rub things in...
What do you think makes a REAL mancat (like yourself)?
I think you're just born with it or not. Even if people get your fun bits lopped off...
How come it takes way so too many naps for Santa Claws to come?
I had to think about this long and hard. At first, it just doesn't seem fair. Santa should come at least once a month, right? But then I figured no, if he came that often it wouldn't be anything special. So I think he settled on once every 3,617,149 sleeps so that we would appreciate it more.
You talked about getting depressed becuz our quilts don't smell right? What is the best way to handle depression?
Find something your People like and treat it to a toothy death. That helps depression a lot...
How do you take such good care of yourself?
I follow a very strict daily regimen of good food (start your day the stinky goodness way!), plentiful sleep (if you're not napping 8-10 times a day, you're not getting enough quality rest), and dedicated grooming (enough that you wind up hocking up a hairball every 5-7 days.) It's very simple, and if you follow this, plus score crunchy treats at least once a day, you can have a slight sliver of my awesomeness for yourself.
What activities do you and Buddah like doing?
Together? There aren't many. Once in a while we get a rousing game of Thundering Herd of Elephants going, but that's about it. We like the usual cat things, too, like napping and eating and power pooping, but those are things we do on our own. I certainly don't want him there when I'm trying to drop a 7 pound poop. and no one wants to be there when he's in the box. Really, I think something crawled up inside of him and died...
Max, Max! I think The Woman would really appreciate if you did this too! I know my mom does when I do it. She thrashes and makes a lot of noises. Pyew
Heh.
While I sometimes help with the reading, I haven't quite done that.
I think I shall :)
While I sometimes help with the reading, I haven't quite done that.
I think I shall :)
Most of the time my human goes food foraging, she fails to include me. How should I best punish her?
Dood...why would you WANT to go out foraging for the foods? That's WHY you have her! To get it for you! Now, if what she's bringing home is unacceptable, then barf it up all over her pillow a few times and she'll get the hint. But really? You don't want to go out with her when she's getting the foods. There are sticky little people out there. Grabby sticky little people...
Who is Buddah's favorite human?
He seems fairly partial to the Man, but really, he's an equal-opportunity suck up.
Do you think we should give our humans report cards?
Nah...they'd just get all depressed and whiny with all the bog fat Fs they'd keep getting...
What are you doing for the rest of your life...north and south...of your life?
Eating, sleeping, pooping... Like, what else is there that's worth the effort?
What do you think should be done about the oily ocean?
First, I think that Tony guy that was supposed to make sure crap like that didn't happen should be forced to go out there and start cleaning up oil by hand, with no days off, and he should only get to eat bologna and peanut butter sandwiches while he works. And the company should stop making the damned "We're so sorry" commercials and spend that money cleaning up the damned oil. And they need to start PAYING ATTENTION to the 1300000 ideas people have on cleaning it up, because some of them make good sense and hey! Maybe it'll get cleaned up!
No, instead they're sort-of working on it, and I say sort-of because it doesn't seem like they're working hard enough, and they're lighting the oil on fire which is cooking some sea life, like boiling them alive. A bunch of endangered turtles...cooked. And that's just mean.
And oh yeah, all the people out of work? That company needs to pay them every freaking dine they would have earned while they can't work. ALL OF IT. And they can't say they can't afford it, because they have huge cash reserves and even more oil reserves.
Stop talking and GET IT DONE, you wankers.
And then...then...the heads of that company can come here and suck my hairy black and white asterisk...
No, instead they're sort-of working on it, and I say sort-of because it doesn't seem like they're working hard enough, and they're lighting the oil on fire which is cooking some sea life, like boiling them alive. A bunch of endangered turtles...cooked. And that's just mean.
And oh yeah, all the people out of work? That company needs to pay them every freaking dine they would have earned while they can't work. ALL OF IT. And they can't say they can't afford it, because they have huge cash reserves and even more oil reserves.
Stop talking and GET IT DONE, you wankers.
And then...then...the heads of that company can come here and suck my hairy black and white asterisk...
What is your favorite color?
I am partial to red. Red makes my glorious fur seem that much more awesome. That's why I have a red collar, and I like to sleep on Buddah's red bed. But best of all is my red Gizzy quilt. That's, like, WICKED good red.
Why do our Humans send visitors away JUST when we decide we like them?
Because people can only stand so much of each other, and kick each other out before they start hating each other. Plus, visitors smell like fish by then. Apparently other people don't like that. No one ever stops to think that the kitties like the smell of fish, and that's why they start liking the strange new people.
Dear Max, how come my kitty Sabi won't let me hug him? Actually, he won't let ANYONE hug him. Kiera
Well, I know it's bothersome to a person, but some kitties don't like to be hugged, not ever. I don't really like it and will only put up with it if I think it will lead to a treat. Buddah only lets people hold him when it's his idea, and then only for a minute or two. So try to not take it personally...trust me, it's him, not you.
When you're older and not so sticky, he'll be older and maybe will let you hug him once in a while, as long as you don't squeeze. You don't want to squeeze. A kitty might accidentally poop on you if you squeeze at the wrong time, and when that happens, everyone winds up unhappy...
When you're older and not so sticky, he'll be older and maybe will let you hug him once in a while, as long as you don't squeeze. You don't want to squeeze. A kitty might accidentally poop on you if you squeeze at the wrong time, and when that happens, everyone winds up unhappy...
Our beans keep warshing our "Gizzy" quilts every couple of months - they warsh our smell of and make them smell like lavender and vanilla. WHAT GIVES?!
Bah...people are just insensitive sometimes. They don't stop to think about how long it takes us to get our Gizzies smelling JUST right. I mean, if they spent weeks painting a masterpiece, they' be pretty ticked off is someone came by and sprayed with with a water bottler, right?
Same thing.
I think they use lavender and vanilla because they think it will calm out furry littler asterisks down. Truth is, we're not calmer. We're freaking DEPRESSED because our Gizzy quilts don't smell right anymore!
I wish they would stop and think about it, but I'm pretty sure they won't. And that sucks.
Same thing.
I think they use lavender and vanilla because they think it will calm out furry littler asterisks down. Truth is, we're not calmer. We're freaking DEPRESSED because our Gizzy quilts don't smell right anymore!
I wish they would stop and think about it, but I'm pretty sure they won't. And that sucks.
My human has trouble with distractions. How do I keep her focused and on task?
Hmmm...Sit on her head. I have it on good authority that doing that brings a person's attention back on focus. just be prepared for a lot of head sitting, because most people need refocusing 30-40 times a day.
I think my human has lost her mind. What should I do?
Check the lost and found section on Craigslist, maybe someone else has it and is trying to get it back to her. Failing that, keep an eye on eBay. You might be able to get her a new one for cheap.
Why do humans insist on trying to brush us, bathe us, clean our teeth, clip our nails...?
There are two reasons.
1) People are wont to anthropomorphizing animals; they seem to think that because they want those things for themselves, that we want those things. They fail to comprehend that we are first and foremost animals, and that in the wild no one would do that to us. Granted, being domesticated, sometime sit helps to have someone get a matted chunk of fur out for us, but still...
2) They're insane.
1) People are wont to anthropomorphizing animals; they seem to think that because they want those things for themselves, that we want those things. They fail to comprehend that we are first and foremost animals, and that in the wild no one would do that to us. Granted, being domesticated, sometime sit helps to have someone get a matted chunk of fur out for us, but still...
2) They're insane.
What do you LIKE best about Buddah?
He's pretty good at getting the Woman to give us extra crunchy treats before she goes to bed. That's about the only thing he's useful for.
The people keep stealing our furs with a comb! How do we make them stop?
I find that biting, hissing, and generally throwing a chit fit gets them to stop. The People used to try to do that to me, but I put a stop to it real quick. When a person fears for their own safety, they leave well enough alone.
Our human might be broken... where do we get it fixed?
Oh, just toss it out and get a new one. They're never as good after they've been broken, anyway.
Do you like ice cream?
I don't know! I think I would like ice cream, but there's never any here because the Woman can't eat it. When they want something like that they go get frozen yogurt, but they don't bring it home, which is all right because I know I don't like yogurt. I wish I knew if I liked ice cream...
My woman brought home a new kitty 2 weeks ago and he is pestering me to death. What can I do?
When no one is looking, sit on the kitty's head. Take his toys away. Head butt him away from his food. Sooner or later he'll realize you're in charge and he must bend to your will, and then all will be well. Srsly. It'll work.
The man in the house always calls me dumb and stupid. Yet he and mom are the ones that goes to work all day while I stay at home in the air conditioning, napping. I never have to pay bills or buy groceries, this stuff just appears for me. I have my cat f
Meh. Some people have to say mean things to kitties to make themselves feel better about having to go out and do all the hunting and stuff. If he stopped to think about how he does everything FOR you, he might realize who the wiser of the two of you is. But I wouldn't count on it, what with him having a People brain and all...
There are dog days of summer. When are the cat days?
Autumn, Winter, and cool Spring days. 'Cause, you know, those are the days the People usually have the hot air blowing thingies going, and those are perfect for kitties to lay on and in front of...especially if there's FIRE. Let the dogs have summer...we have every other freaking day!
The other kitteh website shows that most kittehs don't spell well. How did your spelling get so good?
I think it's because I was so bored with the level of companionship in this house that I read a lot when I was younger. But, spelling doesn't indicate intelligence; some of the smartest kitties I know spell differently than I do. For all I know, they're the correct spellers, and I'm hosing up all over the place because I learned from PEOPLE books. In fact, now I'm sure of it. Because people? Not so smart...
Max, we tried getting under the bed next to the wall like you said, but then the Mom got a broom and poked at us! We moved, but the broom was long enough that we couldn't get away! What should we do then?
Hmmm...I think when this happens your only real option is to outrun her. Run hard, run fast, and get to the highest location you can, something out of her reach. Now, she might be able to get on a chair or ladder and get you, but when she does and she has your furry self in hand and over her head...poop. Copiously. And howl. Between getting pooped on and hearing you wail, she will become distracted, put you down, and go take a shower. While she's showering, you have time to find a really good hiding place, like deep within a closet, behind and under things where she'll never find you. At least not until dinner time...
Will my face REALLY stick that way?
Yep.
That's why you should keep doing it.
So you'll be unique.
And so we can point and laugh.
That's why you should keep doing it.
So you'll be unique.
And so we can point and laugh.
Why are cats blessed with the superior intelligence to know everything but do not have opposable thumbs and we have to be served by those with opposable thumbs who have no brains?
Because it gives those who serve us a purpose, and without purpose, they're just that much more useless. They got the thumbs and we got the brains; if we'd gotten thumbs and brains, then people never would have figured out why they're here. Because, you know, we got the brains...
What's the dumbest thing you ever heard a person say?
"Are you a hungry kitty? Do you want me to feed you?"
Um, DUH!
Like, ask me the obvious, ok?
Um, DUH!
Like, ask me the obvious, ok?
Max, why are we gettin flea medisun if da only fleas anyone sawed were on Mom? ~ Victor & Nina PS where's da best place to hide so we don't get flea treetmint?
You're getting it because People suck and they over react to EVERYTHING. I mean, if you had a tiny zit on your lip, a person would be all OHMYCOD YOU HAVE FACE CANCER! So they see what might be a flea on ANYTHING, and the kitties get the drugs. Sheesh.
If you can, the best place to hide in under a big bed. Get up towards the middle closest to a wall...peoples' arms just aren't long enough to reach in there and grab you. And if they start to move the bed, you can move right along with it. Eventually they'll get tired and give up.
If you can, the best place to hide in under a big bed. Get up towards the middle closest to a wall...peoples' arms just aren't long enough to reach in there and grab you. And if they start to move the bed, you can move right along with it. Eventually they'll get tired and give up.
Who shot the sheriff (but didn't shoot the deputy)? And isn't it stupid to leave behind a witness?
Eric Clapton. But in his defense, it was in the late 60's or early 70's, so he probably had smoked a stupid stick or two and wasn't thinking clearly.... I mean, come on, he also sang about some chick named Layla who got hm down onto his knees and he was begging for, well, whatever you beg for that much. You know... Boobies.
How do you think world peace can best be achieved?
Put me in charge.
Seriously.
I'll sort everyone out and make 'em play nice.
They'll do it or I'll treat everything to a toothy death.
Everything.
People like their stuff, so...they'll do what I say, I'm sure of it.
Seriously.
I'll sort everyone out and make 'em play nice.
They'll do it or I'll treat everything to a toothy death.
Everything.
People like their stuff, so...they'll do what I say, I'm sure of it.
What big brother advice do you give to Max?
Hmmm...this is difficult to answer sine I am Max, but I think the big brother advice I would give to someone else is to stand your ground when it's important, and to let it go when it isn't. There's usually enough crunchies to go around so you don't have to keep the other kitty from them, and there are usually enough head skritches to go around, so sharing the people isn't as hard as it seems.
But little brothers need advice, too, and to them I would say Stop being a butthead! Sheesh, just chill and respect the territory lines. AND DON'T TRY TO RIDE THE BIG KITTY LIKE A PONY!!! Really.
But little brothers need advice, too, and to them I would say Stop being a butthead! Sheesh, just chill and respect the territory lines. AND DON'T TRY TO RIDE THE BIG KITTY LIKE A PONY!!! Really.
I've known you a long time now, and know you're a big softie at heart. Other than real live fresh dead shrimp, what makes you the most emotional? Beau
When my friends go off to the Rainbow Bridge... I know I'll get to see them there, and we'll have wicked awesome games of Thundering Herd of Elephants, and we'll keep each other company while we wait for our People, but...it's hard when they go.
I also get really upset when the TV is on and I hear stories about some of the really mean things stupid people do to other kitties and dogs and gerbils or whatever. People should know better. It's not like we're out to hurt them but some of them don't seem to mind hurting us...and that's sad.
I also get really upset when the TV is on and I hear stories about some of the really mean things stupid people do to other kitties and dogs and gerbils or whatever. People should know better. It's not like we're out to hurt them but some of them don't seem to mind hurting us...and that's sad.
I like to sleep on my human's chest at night, so she can't get up. Where is your favorite place to sleep, and why?
If I'm in the mood to sleep on the Woman, I like to curl up either on her stomach or back, depending on which side is up. Sometimes her legs. I just like to know that she can't roll over when I'm there.
My favorite sleeping place right now though is a toss up. I split my time between the chair in the Woman's office, and the bed in my mancat cave. It just depends on my mood...
My favorite sleeping place right now though is a toss up. I split my time between the chair in the Woman's office, and the bed in my mancat cave. It just depends on my mood...
On the Pedi Paws post... do you mean the People will be doing the sreaming, pooping, peeing? I make them do that anyways when I get bored. Nelly
The biting, pooping, and peeing, that would be all me. I am, after all, the King of pooping at will. Make me do something I don't want to do, and I am going to find a way to massively dump alllll over you. Well, that's a generic you, you know, I tend to reserve such actions for thoughtless people. The screaming, now that would come from the People. Such a satisfying sound...
Now that the shrimp from Louisiana are pretty much toast, where will you get your real live dead shrimp?
I'm pretty sure mine all come from Walmart, so I'm not too worried...
My little bean keeps hugging me - when is this phase gonna stop? (I just wanna nap already!) Kimo
I hate to tell you, doood, but you still have a long time to go. Since she's an official Sticky Person now, this will probably continue until she's not quiet so sticky...like maybe 17 or 18. But the good news is that she'll get a lot better about how hard she hugs in 4 or 5 years.
You could stop it by peeing on her every time she touches you, but I think your people would frown on that...
You could stop it by peeing on her every time she touches you, but I think your people would frown on that...
Why did the people steal your front claws? Does it hurt?
When the Younger Human brought me home I was a little, um, energetic, and we had hank the Dog, who was not energetic and so laid back that they were afraid I was going to scratch his eyeballs out or something. So when they got me nootered, they also got my front claws removed...but to be fair, they didn't know what it involved then, and if they could redo it, they wouldn't.
It doesn't hurt now, but I imagine right afterward it did, even though I acted like it didn't. Now it's just annoying, because there are times I would really like to drive a claw or two into Buddah... And I don't like anyone touching my front paws, though occasionally I'll let the Woman, mostly because she's gentle when she does and she always says she's sorry.
It doesn't hurt now, but I imagine right afterward it did, even though I acted like it didn't. Now it's just annoying, because there are times I would really like to drive a claw or two into Buddah... And I don't like anyone touching my front paws, though occasionally I'll let the Woman, mostly because she's gentle when she does and she always says she's sorry.
Have you tried the PediPaws nail filing thing? What do you think of it?
Noooooo....and if the People come at me with that thing, there WILL be bloodshed. And quite possibly screaming, biting, pooping, and peeing. All I have are back claws, and a quick trim with people clippers is good enough. The noise from that Pedithingy would just be too much to take. Nope. Never gonna let anyone come near me with it.
Have you ever read the comic strip www.twolumps.net? I think they encompass you and Buddah perfectly. My hoomans call me a snooch. I just don't see the similarties.... Orion & Pyewacket
I'd never seen it before so I went and looked...there's some funny stuff there. I'll have to look at it some more.
What kind of little critters have you caught and killed?
Just an assortment of bugs...I just like to rip their little legs and wings off, I don't even eat them. If they don't die from the terror, the Woman usually finishes the job for me and then berates me for not at least eating them like a "real" cat.
Now, the other day there was a bird right outside the front door that I totally would have caught and killed, but the Man said it was hurt and the Woman went out and scooped it up in a plastic container and put it somewhere we couldn't see it. I didn't even get to sniff the container, because she threw it away after! What a freaking waste.
Now, the other day there was a bird right outside the front door that I totally would have caught and killed, but the Man said it was hurt and the Woman went out and scooped it up in a plastic container and put it somewhere we couldn't see it. I didn't even get to sniff the container, because she threw it away after! What a freaking waste.
Dooood, what brand nip you reccomend? =passes out=
I'm not sure there's any specific brand...most definitely the best is fresh grown. Doood, there is nothing like it...
Mom likes to eat nut things. Is that why she's so crazy?
Well now...the saying is "You are what you eat..."
When does a spaz kitty stop being a spaz kitty and turn into a cat?
Hmm... Well, I was certainly never a spaz kitty, but man, Buddah sure was. It was like having a furball hopped up on crack all.the.time. I mean, he tried to ride me down the hall like I was a pony!
If I recall correctly, his spazness started to wane, oh, about a month ago...and he's five now. But since he's "special" I think with other kitties it would happen around 2-3 years old.
If I recall correctly, his spazness started to wane, oh, about a month ago...and he's five now. But since he's "special" I think with other kitties it would happen around 2-3 years old.
What is the deepest, most thought provoking, profound thought you have ever had (outside of fresh, live dead shrimp that is)?
When life gives you lemons, chuck them at the first person to complain about your latest hairball...they'll feel better about the hairball because, hey, cleaning that up beats knowing the kitty can throw things, and you'll feel better because, hey, you just hit a person with a lemon and probably left a bruise.
When you can't get real live dead shrimp and have to settle for cat food, what kinds do you eat?
These days I'm partial to Purina Pro Plan Stinky Goodness...I really like the Turkey & Rice and the Chicken & Rice. It's just the right amount of meaty and gravy and some rice to make it look all maggoty.
Do you flop onto your side and roll over and over when you want to play with your hoomans? Does Buddah do that?
Not really...though I have been known to try that when a display of Teh Cute is needed...usually when I know there's something made of meat in the house that belongs not in the fridge but in my stomach...
Max, our younger human is gettin kinda big. Like, taller than Mom. Is he gonna haf to leaf home sum day? If he does, can I has his bed? Will he efur come back? Will he amember us? Will he smell diffrint? What if anofur kitteh dopts him? ~Victor Tabbycat
I've been through this, Dood... the Younger Human was already tall when he brought me home, but yeah, there came a day when he no longer lived with us. And then we moved to Evil, Ohio. But, ya know what? Even though we moved that far away, he STILL came to see me, so obviously he remembered me. Yeah, he smelled a little different, but I got used to it.
Now, if another kitty adopts him, it'll be ok. You're still his #1 kitty, and it means some kitty got a forever home. No, your real worry is if he does what my Younger Human did. Adopt a DOG.
And you totally get his bed. If he leaves it. Mine took his :/
Now, if another kitty adopts him, it'll be ok. You're still his #1 kitty, and it means some kitty got a forever home. No, your real worry is if he does what my Younger Human did. Adopt a DOG.
And you totally get his bed. If he leaves it. Mine took his :/
Are you a spiritual cat? Do you believe in God?
I believe that there is something more, and that the Rainbow Bridge really exists, and there are hidden places with lickable Cheetos there. All that had to get there somehow...
Dear Max, What is your favorite day of the year?
Denny's Day.
That's whatever day the people go see my very good friend Denny, because he always sends home real live fresh dead chicken for me.
I also like Mr. Apple Bee's day, but not quite as much because he only sends hoem steak once in a while.
So yeah. Denny's Day.
That's whatever day the people go see my very good friend Denny, because he always sends home real live fresh dead chicken for me.
I also like Mr. Apple Bee's day, but not quite as much because he only sends hoem steak once in a while.
So yeah. Denny's Day.
I'm tired of mom telling me no all the time. What can I do to get her to say yes more, and no less?
You have to suck it up and play the cute card. Do things that make her laugh. When people are overcome by the cute, they say yes more often. It's humiliating, I know, but a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do...
How many roads must a man walk down before they will call him a man? And why does he have to walk down roads to be called a man?
Three thousand six hundred eleventy two. And he has to walk down them because that's where the jobs are, and men have to work, unless they marry some rich widow or unless they win the lottery, and even then, there's some walking involved, if not some groveling.
Dear Psychokitty, I also have a comedy-cat blog, would you mind checking it out? I would luv to write about you on my blog if you you add a little link onto yours? okays, here it is: http://www.wix.com/calvinandteddy/[REST OF URL DELETED]
OK, I *might* but there's this whole red warning on your blog that says WARNING:EXTREME DANGER DO NOT CLICK which makes me a little reticent to tell anyone about it. Now, I thought that might be part of the blog and supposed to be funny, but I didn't click on it just in case, so... unless I find out it's a safe blog, I kinda can't send my friends to it.
Do you watch TV, like Animal Planet? I knew a kitteh who loved watching baseball and pawing at the pitchers...
Sometimes I do. I don't watch it as much as I did when I was a kitten, but every now and then I like to sit there and watch tigers and lions and stuff on Animal Planet. And I used to watch General Hospital all the time, but I've kinda lost track of it. What I DID like lately was LOST, but now that's over, so I'm not sure when I'll watch TV again...unless I sit on the remote and Shop Erotic comes on again. I'll watch that just because I cannot figure those ladies out...
Some human wanted to put time in a bottle...wouldn't that totally screw the time continum thing??
Totally. I mean, if you put time in a bottle, the next thing you know you're saving days to spend eternity with some bimbette who probably doesn't know a good thing when she sees it anyway. And then you're gonna wanna make days last forever, and try to turn all the words in the freaking dictionary into wishes that come true...holy hell, the universe would explode if you managed to do all that...
What are your favorite toys?
For reals...my favorite toys are my catnip candy bar and my catnip banana. If I was gonna be snarky I'd say the Woman's face while she's asleep, but really, I love my banana and candy bar...
Hasn't Buddah had TWO middle names?
Yep...originally he was Buddah Butt, but then one of the Evil people from Evil Ohio thought Buddah Pest was funny, and we were all like YO! THAT'S PERFECT!!!! So that's his name now, Buddah Pest.
Dear Max, Sometimes I sit back, open my legs and sing songs to missing naughty bits. Do you ever do that? Love, Jack O'Lantern
Um.
Well...
No, can't say as how I do.
But hey, if it makes you happy, knock yourself out...but you should know, no matter how wonderful the dong you're singing, they're not coming back...
Well...
No, can't say as how I do.
But hey, if it makes you happy, knock yourself out...but you should know, no matter how wonderful the dong you're singing, they're not coming back...
What's your favorite treat? (Sky's the limit, Woman-doesn't-notice-the-card-is-missing treat.)
Real live fresh dead shrimp, paws down. If I had my way, every meal would be topped with it. And there would be a real live fresh dead shrimp on-demand dispenser in every room. It makes me drool just thinking about it...
Max, Are you going to Scarborough Faire?
Sadly, I cannot, as I am out of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. But if you're going, please remember me to one who lives there. She once was a true love of mine, right up until the people got me neutered...well, and until she got all pissy about me demanding a cambric shirt with no seams or fine needlework. Sheesh, women...
Why haven't you been featured on the Today show yet? I mean, your brilliant!
Truly, they just can't handle my incredible black & white glory and my infinite awesomeness. Plus, there's the whole going outside thing. They would have to come to me if they wanted to put me on TV, but then the Woman would have to clean the house and we all know the odds of THAT happening...
Are you an indoor kitteh, or do you go outside too?
Indoor only...it's safer in here. There are no cars to squish me, no stray dogs to eat me, and other than Buddah, no evil introoder kitties. A couple of times the People have tried to take me outside on a leash or in a stroller (don't get me started on that) but I HATE being outside. I don't get the whole let's go outside thing. My food is in here, my litterbox is in here, my toys and water and nip is in here....why go out?
When Buddah was brought home, what kind of cooties did he give you (unintentionally, of course) that almost killed you?
He gave me the upper respiratory infection from H-E-L-L! I got a head full of snot, then a throat full of snot, then a chest full of snot. My pancreas went all wonky (and I was on drugs for that for FIVE YEARS, or maybe just two), I couldn't eat AT ALL for a long time and then it was slow getting back to getting food in me, I coughed and hacked and threw up, and then they gave me a drug that, doods, it gave me MACHINE GUN POOP! Seriously! I mean, it was fast and furious, and like grab the edge of the litterbox or you're gonna hit orbit kind of thing.
If I hadn't started eating again when I did, I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer. I was really, really sick (no exaggeration here...) Buddah, the little monster, was sick but got over it really fast.
If I hadn't started eating again when I did, I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer. I was really, really sick (no exaggeration here...) Buddah, the little monster, was sick but got over it really fast.
How do I get to Sesame Street?
First you have to get out of the house. Then get onto the busiest street you can find, walk towards the sun for a little while, turn left at Albuquerque, walk for 5 hours, turn north, and as soon as you start seeing yellow feathers on the ground, make a right, then a left, then another left, and there you are. Watch out for the dood in the trash can, though, I suspect he eats kitties.
How did Buddah get his name? Is it because he is wise and serene?
=snort=
Right before the People brought him home, the Younger Human was reading all sorts of stuff and some of it was on Buddhism. So when he picked Buddah out of all the other kitties, he named him Buddah. The Woman inverted the 'a' and the 'h' out of respect, or something stupid like that.
I think he got the name out of irony, actually...
Right before the People brought him home, the Younger Human was reading all sorts of stuff and some of it was on Buddhism. So when he picked Buddah out of all the other kitties, he named him Buddah. The Woman inverted the 'a' and the 'h' out of respect, or something stupid like that.
I think he got the name out of irony, actually...
When and why did you start the whole eye punching thing? Should we try it too? With all due reverence , Pyewacket and Orion
You know, I don't remember exactly when I started doing that. Other things worked as well, like shoving my nose up one of the Woman's nostrils, or licking things on her face, or even turning the light on and off, but one day I just curled my paw up into a tiny fist and let her have it. I think I was just trying to knock and see if anyone was in that head, but I got her in the eye and it worked, so I keep doing it.
Should you?
Absolutely. It WORKS, dooods!
Should you?
Absolutely. It WORKS, dooods!
How and why did the hoomans get Buddah, as you already provided so much awesomeness?
They thought I might like a friend. Can you believe that? One day they went looking for another kitty on purpose and brought that little snot monster home, and he gave me those cooties and I ALMOST DIED!
They "saved" him from a shelter.
Some save.
They "saved" him from a shelter.
Some save.
When you lived with Hank the Dog, did you still not like dogs or what?
Not really. I mean, he was a perfectly good dog as far as dogs go, because he was eat ease with cats and didn't want to eat me, but he was still a dog. I just kind of avoided him, which made the People a little sad, because The Cat Who Came Before Me used to pretend to be his mother and licked him a lot. We had a peaceful co-existence, so they got more than a lot of people get when there's a cat and dog living together...
Some human once said, "To be or not to be...that is the question." To be WHAT?????
Since it was a person who said it, I'm guessing it's "To be a dork, or not to be..." though honestly, I don't think any of them have much of a choice...
How did you get your hoomans?
Well...I was born and eventually this young human took me home with her, where I ran around like my asterisk was on fire and jumped and played a lot, and eventually got stuck in a recliner, so she and her roommate had to take me to the emergency vet, which was very very expensive. That kind of made her think a kitten would need more money than she had...
Well, her roommate was friends with the Younger Human, who had been over and played with me and liked me a lot. And she was thinking she really couldn't afford, so he asked the People if maybe they wanted to give me a home.
Well, you know what? The Woman wasn't sure! The Cat Who Came Before Me had gone to the Bridge eight months before, and she didn't think she was ready for another kitty, but the Man was all for it, and then there was this, "well, he might just end up at the pound thing," so the Woman said I could come live with them.
Well, you know what the first thing out of her mouth was when she saw me? "He's beautiful!" I did lots of cute things to make sure she didn't forget it, especially the whole crackhead kitten thing where you run and run and run and then jump on someone and just fall asleep hard, and I became kind of a lap cat, but really only in her lap.
Well, you know, I was supposed to be the Younger Human's kitty, but a few months later the Man found out the USAF wanted him to go to Evil Ohio to pass gas. The Younger Human was in college and was working, and I had kind of attached myself to the Woman, so it was decided that I would go to Evil Ohio with the People and Hank the Dog.
And that's how I got my humans.
Well, her roommate was friends with the Younger Human, who had been over and played with me and liked me a lot. And she was thinking she really couldn't afford, so he asked the People if maybe they wanted to give me a home.
Well, you know what? The Woman wasn't sure! The Cat Who Came Before Me had gone to the Bridge eight months before, and she didn't think she was ready for another kitty, but the Man was all for it, and then there was this, "well, he might just end up at the pound thing," so the Woman said I could come live with them.
Well, you know what the first thing out of her mouth was when she saw me? "He's beautiful!" I did lots of cute things to make sure she didn't forget it, especially the whole crackhead kitten thing where you run and run and run and then jump on someone and just fall asleep hard, and I became kind of a lap cat, but really only in her lap.
Well, you know, I was supposed to be the Younger Human's kitty, but a few months later the Man found out the USAF wanted him to go to Evil Ohio to pass gas. The Younger Human was in college and was working, and I had kind of attached myself to the Woman, so it was decided that I would go to Evil Ohio with the People and Hank the Dog.
And that's how I got my humans.
How did you get your name?
No one really knows... I came home with my name and the people liked it, so I got to keep it. I think the person who had me for a really short time before them named me, but I don't really remember.
uhh can we speak anonymously on zoosk instead of on here cause i wanna tell u something just click here [URL deleted]
No, No we cannot. Stop spamming me, doood.
Why do kittehs present their killed mice to the hoomans? It only makes them scream.
People are lame. They don't seem to grasp that the dead mousies--or bugs or chipmunks or birds--are gifts to be treasured. People should be HAPPY to get them, but no....they get all excited, and not in a Oh Yay way.
If you could pimp out a kitty condo, what would it look like?
Oh man...it would be floor to ceiling---10 feet tall ceilings!--and take up an entire wall. There would be platform after staggered platform for jumping awesomeness, lots of cubbies--low and high--a catwalk around the whole thing, ramps, plush carpeting, scratchy surfaces for my friends with claws, a built in food dish with never ending crunchies, a water fountain, nip dispenser, and 'round the clock fresh Stinky Goodness service. Oh yeah.
What would you say are your best qualities? Your worst?
Best: my smarts, my beautiful eyes, my stunning fur, my awesome personality, my shining glory, the way I make everything better, and my humility.
Worst: Huh?
Worst: Huh?
Dear Max, when my people are at work I like to open as many drawers, doors, and cabinets as I can and rifle through stuff. What am I looking for?
Trouble.
At least that's what I'm looking for when I do that.
At least that's what I'm looking for when I do that.
What is the secret to your success?
Toona water.
Seriously.
Well, that and innate awesomeness.
But mostly...toona water.
Seriously.
Well, that and innate awesomeness.
But mostly...toona water.
Why can't I pee anywhere I want to?
Because after a while, things start to really really really stink. And while it's kinda funny to see the people scrunch their noses up and try to figure out what stinks the most, it starts to hurt the kitty's nose, too.
I'm all for a good punishment pee, a nice long squirt in the living room on on someone clothes to get a point across, but otherwise...it's best kept to the litterbox, otherwise you just wind up offending yourself, and what's the fun in that?
I'm all for a good punishment pee, a nice long squirt in the living room on on someone clothes to get a point across, but otherwise...it's best kept to the litterbox, otherwise you just wind up offending yourself, and what's the fun in that?
Why do humans clean their teeth with a gooey brush? Why don't they just eat crunchy treats like us?
Because people like to complicate things. I mean, really, just watch them sometimes. They get dirty and they make this elaborate thing out of getting into a tub full of water or standing in an inside rain thingy, when they could just lick themselves clean. And gross, watch how they handle pooping. They could just do it in a box of sand, but no... They have to make a big deal out of everything, and that include their teeth. And they would like the crunchy treats, but no...they try to grind stuff off their teeth instead.
I say let 'em do it, but dangit, they have to stop trying to inflict that thing on the kitties. Because, doood, that thing tastes awful. I'd rather lick someone else's asterisk than get my teeth brushed.
I say let 'em do it, but dangit, they have to stop trying to inflict that thing on the kitties. Because, doood, that thing tastes awful. I'd rather lick someone else's asterisk than get my teeth brushed.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg????
The chicken.
Seriously.
I mean, you don't get eggs without something alive popping them out or laying them, right? But you can get live things without popping eggs out or laying them. And I would think that in the Original Design, all the living things were created in adult form, because if not...? Well, doood, without the chicken there would have been nothing to sit on the egg and hatch it!
Seriously.
I mean, you don't get eggs without something alive popping them out or laying them, right? But you can get live things without popping eggs out or laying them. And I would think that in the Original Design, all the living things were created in adult form, because if not...? Well, doood, without the chicken there would have been nothing to sit on the egg and hatch it!
Mom says I eat like a pig, I'm big as a bobcat, kick like a rabbit, and act like a dog. What's with all the animal comparisons...???
It's because people are just stubborn as dogs, and can't let go of hyberole, I think...
Do you ever have book signings for your books? If not, why not? If yes, do you ever fly Pet Airways to other locations?
I've considered doing a book signing, but then I thought, "WHY?" If I held a book signing I would have to get into my plastic tomb and let the Woman stick it in the car, and nothing ever good comes from having to ride in the car. And then if nothing bad happened in the car, I'd have to put up with all these people at the book signing, and nothing ever good comes from being around too many people. And even if nothing bad happened around all the people, I'd still have to contend with all the screaming wimmens wanting to touch my glorious fur, because you know they wouldn't be able to resist, and nothing good ever comes from screaming wimmens touching your furs.
Wait...well, maybe something good would come from that but I just can't see risking it.
Wait...well, maybe something good would come from that but I just can't see risking it.
Max, whey you sing, is a solo or a duet with Buddah? Dee
You know, I tried to teach Buddah to sing with me and for a while I thought he was getting the hang of it, but he stopped trying. So when I sing, it's just me in all my awesome glory. And frankly, it sounds better. Buddah has a voice that can curl another kitty's innards at a hundred paces away. It's just...wrong. And when you;re singing at three in the morning, you don't want Wrong, you want Freaking Sweet. And that's me.
Isn't it a bit hard to type with paws? Or do you have a secretary?
It's an acquired skill. If I had claws it might be easier, because then I could tape away at the keys with my pointy tips, but since I don't have front ones anymore, I just have to be very careful about how I pound away at the keyboard. I wouldn't trust a secretary to not censor the awesomeness of my brainings.
I sense doubt in the atmosphere.
Would I lie to you?
I sense doubt in the atmosphere.
Would I lie to you?
Why do the hoomans call the thing attached to the computer a "mouse" when it clearly isn't?
For the same reason the get in a giant tub filled with hot water and call it "relaxing."
Because they're insane.
The ones that aren't insane? They were probably dropped on their heads when they were babies. Repeatedly.
Mostly...they're insane...
Because they're insane.
The ones that aren't insane? They were probably dropped on their heads when they were babies. Repeatedly.
Mostly...they're insane...
My kitties are bullying our woofies and eating their food! What should I do?
Take the woofies to the stabby place and get some new backbones installed.
Ok, really, size matters. If the woofies are tiny spastic yappers, they're probably afraid of the kitties, and they need to be fed where the kitties can't get to them. But if they're like big dogs? Doood, make sure your doors and windows are locked tight every night, because they're gonna be too chicken to protect you even from killer moths and evil introoder mosquitos. And then feed them where the kitties can't get to them and steal their noms, but point and laugh and mock them for their wussiness.
That's what I would do. Point and laugh.
Well, I would do that anyway. Just because they're dogs.
Oh, and give the kitties extra treats, because without them you may never have come to realize just how deep the woofy wussiness runs.
Ok, really, size matters. If the woofies are tiny spastic yappers, they're probably afraid of the kitties, and they need to be fed where the kitties can't get to them. But if they're like big dogs? Doood, make sure your doors and windows are locked tight every night, because they're gonna be too chicken to protect you even from killer moths and evil introoder mosquitos. And then feed them where the kitties can't get to them and steal their noms, but point and laugh and mock them for their wussiness.
That's what I would do. Point and laugh.
Well, I would do that anyway. Just because they're dogs.
Oh, and give the kitties extra treats, because without them you may never have come to realize just how deep the woofy wussiness runs.
If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
1. To have as much real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, chicken, and cow as I want, on demand.
2. To win the lottery, so that I would have enough cash for anything I wanted and to be able to help my friends with their stabby bills.
3. To be an only kitty again...
2. To win the lottery, so that I would have enough cash for anything I wanted and to be able to help my friends with their stabby bills.
3. To be an only kitty again...
Where is your favorite singing spot in your new house?
Standing in the hallway bathroom entry; it's this really sweet spot where sound carries into all the bedrooms, and also provides for some nice background echo. When I sit there to sing, it doesn't matter which room the people are in; they can hear me and appreciate my voice in all its fine, musical glory.
The Woman still seems to like to be sung for at 3 a.m. She gets very excited when I do that.
The Woman still seems to like to be sung for at 3 a.m. She gets very excited when I do that.
Do you purr much? Does Buddah?
I purr when I want something, usually when I'm on a lap and I want head skritches, or when I'm on the Woman while she's sleeping and I want her to wake up and pet me. Buddah purrs, but he's very quiet about it. He's got on of those purrs that you don't hear so much as you feel it, and he purrs when he commando cuddles the Woman.
How can cats become more charitable?
Let the people sleep in an extra 2 minutes, offer them a bite of your Stinky Goodness once in a while, hock up a hairball or two on the bathroom floor at 4 am. All of these things get people really excited, and are quite generous on the cat's part, so I think that would do it.
What gets you the most excited?
The aroma of real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, chicken, or cow wafting through the house. Or the sound of a tuna can being opened. Any of those will get me out of bed and trotting into the kitchen for a look-see and hopefully a nice big plateful.
Max, What does it mean when a kitty is lounging in Mom's lap, when they suddenly sit up, prick up their ears, and stare, where there is nothing that Mom can see? Should I worry?
Nothing to worry about. It's just the kitty hearing the whistling that occurs at very high tones as hot air goes in one of the person's ears and out the other.
Do you not like other kittehs, or is it just Buddah?
Well, I've never had to spend any time with other kitties, so I don't really know. The evil outside introoder kitties get me really excited, but I can't say I like or dislike them, just that they're where they're not supposed to be, so I feel compelled to try to scare them away.
The People seem to think that if I hadn't gotten so sick when Buddah came to live with us that I'd like him more, but I dunno...he would have been a pain in my asterisk no matter what. Another kitty, a less hyper one, might have been easier to learn to get along with, but we'll never know now.
The People seem to think that if I hadn't gotten so sick when Buddah came to live with us that I'd like him more, but I dunno...he would have been a pain in my asterisk no matter what. Another kitty, a less hyper one, might have been easier to learn to get along with, but we'll never know now.
Are you a cuddly kitteh? Do you like being picked up?
I do like to be picked up and cuddled when it's my idea. If it's a people idea, I'm totally against it. And really, I am a total lap cat IF it's the Woman's lap, especially if she's got her laptop computer on it and is trying to work. That's when I love being on a lap, when it's so obviously not the Woman's idea...that's when I know she NEEDS me on it, and I'm nothing if not considerate. All I ask in return is some head skritches while I push the computer to the floor...
Max, how exhausting is it being so cool?
Doood, I'm glad you asked that, because truly, it is so exhausting. I mean, I have to sleep at least 18 hours a day because of it. And you know what? No one here seems to respect that. I keep hearing comments like, "Have you even moved today, Max?" and "Don't strain anything rolling over," but really, being this cool is just tiring. At least I have a really spiffy mancat cave now...that makes for a perfect rejuvenation chamber; a few hours there and I've re-charged my cool factor by 80% at least. The otehr 20% I get from stinky goodness, real live fresh dead shrimp, and taking chunks of fur out of Buddah.
Why do humans insit on ruining real live fresh dead shrimp, cow, fish, and chicken by putting gravy and stuff on it? Don't they know that just ruins it?
They're pretty good at ruining everything... I really don't think they have much of a sense of taste as it is, so I guess they have to ruin things to taste them. I mean, have you see some of the stuff they eat voluntarily? Doood, my people eat oatmeal. That stuff has been pre-chewed and half digested already! Anyone who would eat that has got to have a screw loose...
If I give in and actually sniff my kitty's bum, will he quit presenting it to me?
Probably not, but chances are he'll get online and blog about how he got you to sniff it...
What's the best way to wake up lazy hoomans so they can serve breakfast already?
There are several tried and true ways to wake a lazy human up so that they can fulfill their felinely obligations. A paw smacked just so across their nose works well, but I find that if you curl your paw into a tiny fist and punch them in the eye, that works better.
Another good way to get them up is to creep gently on top of them, and then body slam into their face, neck, or chest. The bigger you are, the more impact this method has, and I find that I get a better reaction when I've dropped 17 pounds of black and white glory right into a face.
But the best way? Stick your nose or your tongue up on of their nostrils. That gets them up really fast, although your breakfast will likely be served with several choice words.
Another good way to get them up is to creep gently on top of them, and then body slam into their face, neck, or chest. The bigger you are, the more impact this method has, and I find that I get a better reaction when I've dropped 17 pounds of black and white glory right into a face.
But the best way? Stick your nose or your tongue up on of their nostrils. That gets them up really fast, although your breakfast will likely be served with several choice words.
What style of litterbox do you reccomend?
A continuously clean one, but that's just a pipe dream.
Big and deep. You know the kind that has a top on it for "privacy?" That kind. But I prefer the top off.
Any small, and a kitty's butt could hang over the side, and that upsets the people.
Big and deep. You know the kind that has a top on it for "privacy?" That kind. But I prefer the top off.
Any small, and a kitty's butt could hang over the side, and that upsets the people.
What is the true purpose of a human?
To provide us with real live fresh dead shrimp, cow, fish, and chicken; to scoop our poop and clean up our hairballs; to piss us off with trips to the stabby place; to spend as much as they have to in order to figure out our favorite toys; but mostly, they exist in order to learn the joy of spreading kindness, something that in whole they need to really work on...
Why do humans like to dress up cats? Don't they know we look best in our own fur?
Because people are INSANE.
That's it.
They are INSANE.
That's it.
They are INSANE.
Dear Max....You being a cat and all...can you tell me...why does my cat Jangles put his most-est favorite toy in his water bowl all of the time??
He's trying to drown it. Seriously. Our favorite toys are symbolic of our prey, and all we think is KILL, KILL, KILL and drowning it is less work than evisceration. I mean, really, why chase the dang thing when we can make quicker work of it with water?
My two older cats hate the kitten I just rescued. Is there a way they can become friends (or at least tolerate each other)?
I dunno, I never did learn to like Buddah, and barely tolerate him. But the best way I know of is to keep them apart for a long time and gradually introduce each others' stink. Them glimpses of each other, then short meetings... Even if they've already met and are living with each other, starting at zero can help. Plus, Feliway is supposed to help cats get along.
After a while most kitties pick their territory and just glare at each other instead of fighting, but that might not happen until the kitten has outgrown his crackhead stage. Util that happens the older cats are just going to be annoyed by the little spaz but eventually he's become less of a spaz and more like he's just THERE, and they'll get over it.
But, if they're hurting him...you might wanna ask your vet's help.
After a while most kitties pick their territory and just glare at each other instead of fighting, but that might not happen until the kitten has outgrown his crackhead stage. Util that happens the older cats are just going to be annoyed by the little spaz but eventually he's become less of a spaz and more like he's just THERE, and they'll get over it.
But, if they're hurting him...you might wanna ask your vet's help.
Why do some cats have long tails, some have crookity tails and some have no tails?
Long tailed cats have balance, so I think they got their long tails because they like to climb a lot and it just popped out longer to help them get around. Kitties with no tails developed because their ancestors lived in places where the people all had giant feet and their tales kept getting stepped on, so evolution just kind of made them shrink up to nubs. And kitties with crookity tails? Well, those poor guys got a car door slammed on them at some point, and they walk around with it kinda bent to say to their people SEE WHAT YOU DID??? YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! Because really, popping on a pillow just isn't enough when that happens.
Why can't I let Mom clip my claws? I know it doesn't hurt and she's really kind, but I HATE IT. AND I FIGHT IT. Why can't I relax and let it happen?
Doood, who can blame you? I mean, LOOK AT ME! I let some dork in pajamas touch my paws, and I wound up asleep, and when I woke up I was nadless and my claws were GONE. Bad things happen when we let people near our paws, so I totally get why you fight it.
You might also fight it a little because it hurts a touch? People have to kinda squeeze your feet to get your claws out to clip them, and I wouldn't think that would be very comfortable. Buddah has his claws but the people hardly ever clip them because he has several scratching thingies and he uses them a million times a day.
Thinking about it, they trimmed my back claws a few times. I didn't like it, but I didn't fight it. Maybe because after they do stuff like that I get crunchy treats. Crap...they've trained me, haven't they?
You might also fight it a little because it hurts a touch? People have to kinda squeeze your feet to get your claws out to clip them, and I wouldn't think that would be very comfortable. Buddah has his claws but the people hardly ever clip them because he has several scratching thingies and he uses them a million times a day.
Thinking about it, they trimmed my back claws a few times. I didn't like it, but I didn't fight it. Maybe because after they do stuff like that I get crunchy treats. Crap...they've trained me, haven't they?
Who is heavier, you or Buddah?
I'm not really sure, but it's safe to say I take up more real estate than Buddah does. You just can't contain this much awesomeness to his little frame.
What are the 5 most important accessories every cat should own?
I'm not sure about "accessories" because I don't need things like scarves that match my shoes or even a bow to match my collar, but no cat's life is truly complete without these things:
Now, there are some other things that are nice to have, liek Cheetos to lick and feather toys, but the abover are must haves, for sure.
- Lots of high places for the kitty to jump up to and then look down upon his servants
- Fresh, high quality cat nip in an assortment of toys pleasing to the kitty; if the people aren't sure about something, they need to keep trying until they have 10-20 different things the kitty approves of.
- 5-6 comfy beds strewn throughout the house for the kitty's napping pleasure. These do NOT include the human beds, chairs, or sofas, but are in addition to those things. If the kitty doesn't like a bed, it must be replaced.
- Crunchy treats. Many, many, many, many crunchy treats. I prefer Temptations, but other kitties prefer Pounce; it's up to the people to spend as much money as they have to in order to get exactly what the kitty likes.
- Real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, cow, and chicken, as much as a kitty wants. This is CRITICAL to a kitty's well being and overall happiness, and people mist not overlook this. Ever.
Now, there are some other things that are nice to have, liek Cheetos to lick and feather toys, but the abover are must haves, for sure.
Why do humans shave off their furs, and human females color their faces??
I think it's because deep down they realize they just aren't especially attractive, and because of that they feel compelled to experiment with ways that might make them look better. It's pretty much a giant FAIL all the way around. And kind of sad, really.
Why is there no holiday celebrating the discovery of catnip (or for that matter..fish, chicken, shrimp, stinky goodness, etc.)?
Because every day is catnip-fish-chicken-shrimp-stinky goodness day! We don't need a special day to celebrate, because we can have fun Every.Freaking.Day!
It's good to be a cat, and that's a big reason why.
It's good to be a cat, and that's a big reason why.
If you could have any 3 things you want, what would you wish for?
- As much real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, chicken and cow that I want.
- To have one of my books hit the New York Times Bestseller list and stay there for like a YEAR.
- To be an only kitty.
Max, How come one of my brothers' unmentionables smells SO much better than everybody else's? We all eat the same, so shouldn't all our bums smell the same?
Well, you know, I think we leech out a little of our inner beauty, and it's got to exit somewhere, so it comes out in breath, farts, and poop (don't worry, you won't leech it all out and suddenly become all dark and ugly inside...it feeds on itself.) Now, if your inner beauty isn't all that gorgeous, there's gonna be some foulness tinged in there. That's all right, it doesn't mean that kitty is a bad kitty...it just means they got a little ook latched onto their inner beauty and it's coming out.
That explains a lot about Buddah...he's loaded with ook and OMG he stinks. Since I poop out sunshine and rainbows, mine is quite nice, and I smell wonderful. All over.
Truth.
That explains a lot about Buddah...he's loaded with ook and OMG he stinks. Since I poop out sunshine and rainbows, mine is quite nice, and I smell wonderful. All over.
Truth.
Max, did you pee on the floor like Buddah says? Why would you do that if Buddah is already in trouble? Splain.......
Yes I did. And I did it proudly. And you know why?
Because the litter box was disgusting!
We're not talking Buddah got in there and peed before I could. We're talking it hadn't been scooped in TWO DAYS, and dooods, Max does not use a box that has not been scooped in two days. When the box is foul, Max finds another place to pee, and since I wanted to get my point across, which just happened to be "HEY! I don't care if Buddah is already in trouble and I can cute my way to treats, MY BOX IS FOUL!" I peed right there in front of the Woman.
And dooods, it was awesome. You should have seen how excited she got! She told me to "stop that right now!" like I was going to...I just kept peeing until she was practically picking me up.
But you know what?
She cleaned the litter box.
So it worked.
Because the litter box was disgusting!
We're not talking Buddah got in there and peed before I could. We're talking it hadn't been scooped in TWO DAYS, and dooods, Max does not use a box that has not been scooped in two days. When the box is foul, Max finds another place to pee, and since I wanted to get my point across, which just happened to be "HEY! I don't care if Buddah is already in trouble and I can cute my way to treats, MY BOX IS FOUL!" I peed right there in front of the Woman.
And dooods, it was awesome. You should have seen how excited she got! She told me to "stop that right now!" like I was going to...I just kept peeing until she was practically picking me up.
But you know what?
She cleaned the litter box.
So it worked.
Max, here is a classic question that has been posed over the centuries and I need a definitive answer: How many angels can dance upon the head of a pin?
None.
Absolutely none.
Because angels are either ethereal, thusly having nothing with which to dance, or they're full sized beings, and wouldn't fit.
Besides, I doubt they would want to. Who can get down with their bad self with so little room to move?
Absolutely none.
Because angels are either ethereal, thusly having nothing with which to dance, or they're full sized beings, and wouldn't fit.
Besides, I doubt they would want to. Who can get down with their bad self with so little room to move?
If you weren't a famous writer, what would you be doing?
I'm thinking I would be a talk show host. Like Oprah, but better. And it would be better because I would have interesting guests, like Skeezix or The Meezers, and we'd have real kick ass demonstrations on selecting the best Nip, how to lick oneself and time it to embarrass your people, and we'd have killer games of [i]Thundering Herd of Elephants[/i]. You know, the stuff kitties want to see. Not like the stuff Oprah shows, like that interview with the Octomom, who I think really wants to be a kitty...
You are obviously a deep thinker. What do you think about when not writing books and answering questions?
Food, mostly. Real live fresh dead shrimp. Real live fresh dead cow. Real live fresh dead fish. Because, you know, all that thinking and pondering and writing requires a lot of sustenance.
Oh, and I think about pooping, too, because all that food has to go somewhere.
I wish I could say I think about world peace, but really. Food and poop. I can control those, sort of.
Oh, and I think about pooping, too, because all that food has to go somewhere.
I wish I could say I think about world peace, but really. Food and poop. I can control those, sort of.
Buddah says you are afraid that woofies might eat you. Why are you scared, as you look and sound like a tough kitteh who can hold your own? Especially against a tiny, wimpy-looking woofie like Butters...
Because dogs are INSANE and they try to eat thing that ARE.NOT.FOOD! Butters is small, but doood. he's a spastic thing that just might not grasp that I am not a walking buffet. I'm tough, but I'm SMART...I'm smart enough to know that you can't always trust a woofy, and it's better to be careful around them because you just.never.know...
Why do humans use such confusing terms such as dawn, dusk, twilight, etc.? What's wrong with just day or night???
People have this whole thing about waxing poetic; they think if they have a dozen words to describe one thing it makes them seem clever and artistic. I don't think they realize it just kinda makes them seem a little bit lame. Instead of "Into the twilight did I roam" really sounds better as "Yo, I went outside. It was almost dark." They just don't get it...
Max, have you noticed that you have had over 500,000 visitors to your blog? Dee
I did notice it--after the counter had rolled over. So much for doing something special to celebrate the half million mark...
Is it OK to enjoy tummy snorgleing? Are there any guidelines, say only in private, certain days, etc? I am violated (my term) constantly. Maui
Sure, it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy it, but only when the people do it when you want them to. For them to go anywhere near your tummy when you don't want them to is a violation of your personal space, and you're then within your rights to either nip at them, or get up and go poop on something they like.
Now, a people would say they have no way of knowing if you want snorgling or not, but I would say to them, well, try it, and if you draw back a bloody stump, then you know the time wasn't quite right.
But sure, enjoy it when you want to, and bite things when you don't.
Now, a people would say they have no way of knowing if you want snorgling or not, but I would say to them, well, try it, and if you draw back a bloody stump, then you know the time wasn't quite right.
But sure, enjoy it when you want to, and bite things when you don't.
Why is it that sometimes the humans ask us what we want for dinner, then they fix us what THEY want us to eat and not what we said we wanted? Beau (SGC)
I really think they lack the pre-frontal lobe development necessary to make the leap of logic from asking the question to understanding the answer.
In other words, they're just not right in the head.
I've gotten to the point that when I get asked that, I just answer "Stinky Goodness" because chances are, they'll at least get that part correct.
If they're having something like real live fresh dead shrimp, though, I don't even bother asking, I just do what I can to get it. When you try to crawl over their shoulders while they're eating, they get the point: kitty wants some.
Sometimes, you just have to be direct with them. Because of their broken brains.
In other words, they're just not right in the head.
I've gotten to the point that when I get asked that, I just answer "Stinky Goodness" because chances are, they'll at least get that part correct.
If they're having something like real live fresh dead shrimp, though, I don't even bother asking, I just do what I can to get it. When you try to crawl over their shoulders while they're eating, they get the point: kitty wants some.
Sometimes, you just have to be direct with them. Because of their broken brains.
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever wanted a wife and kids?
Nope, never been in love, but I have lots of crushes on my kitty friends. You know, one time someone emailed and asked if I was a little light in the loafers, and I was like, "damn doood, I don't even wear shoes..." but then the Woman explained what the question really was, and after I got over my indignity about wondering why it even mattered, I felt like I needed to explain my world viewpoint.
Since the People went and got me nootered, I realized it didn't matter at all, and before that it only barely mattered if I wanted to put on some Barry White music and be all bow-chick-bow-wow with another kitty. And if I did that I'm pretty sure I would have wanted it to be a girl kitty, but ya never know, but dooods! I don't have the requisite parts, so now it's like YEAH! I can crush on anykitty I want to!
So I have lots of crushes, both boy kitties and girl kitties. They just have to be nicer kitties than I am. Except for Buddah, he's just too giant a pain in the ass even thought the People think he's sweet. Sweet? You should see the tooth marks in my neck!
A wife mighta been good back in the say and I could have supported her, and the whole kids thing probably would have been fun, but I don't think I missed out on anything, other than the whole bow-chicka-bow-wow thing by not having a wife. I mean, I've watched the people and it seems pointless to miss something that takes like 20 seconds.
On the whole, I think I would have rather had a sister than a wife.
Since the People went and got me nootered, I realized it didn't matter at all, and before that it only barely mattered if I wanted to put on some Barry White music and be all bow-chick-bow-wow with another kitty. And if I did that I'm pretty sure I would have wanted it to be a girl kitty, but ya never know, but dooods! I don't have the requisite parts, so now it's like YEAH! I can crush on anykitty I want to!
So I have lots of crushes, both boy kitties and girl kitties. They just have to be nicer kitties than I am. Except for Buddah, he's just too giant a pain in the ass even thought the People think he's sweet. Sweet? You should see the tooth marks in my neck!
A wife mighta been good back in the say and I could have supported her, and the whole kids thing probably would have been fun, but I don't think I missed out on anything, other than the whole bow-chicka-bow-wow thing by not having a wife. I mean, I've watched the people and it seems pointless to miss something that takes like 20 seconds.
On the whole, I think I would have rather had a sister than a wife.
An Answer To the "What Happened to the Mows?" Question
Asked in March, someone wanted to know what had happened to The Mows comic strip...I found a contact email address for the doood that writes it, and the good news is that he's fine, he just got distracted by other things. The bad news is that he mentioned wrapping it up. So there may be no more Mows, which sucks.
Why does Daddy insist in inspecting, and worse, shaving my pantaloons? I like that crusty mess!
People just have no idea how hard we work at getting our look just right, and then they go and screw it up. They're either just THAT BORED that they need to bother the kitties, or they think they're trying to help. He probably thinks he's helping, so you might want to cut him some slack for that.
The shaving,though? That's just wrong.
The shaving,though? That's just wrong.
Today I hard scary words. The Woman said, "I'm kind of sick of ham." How can people get sick of ham? And if they don't want more ham why didn't they feed it to me?! Chey
I have been pondering this.
I slept on it.
I ate on it.
I even ate some ham on it.
And I can only come to one conclusion.
People are weird.
I slept on it.
I ate on it.
I even ate some ham on it.
And I can only come to one conclusion.
People are weird.
What are the elements of a good house trashing partay! K&S
The best house trashing parties have one common thing: Premium Nip. The food--like ham and chicken and real live fresh dead shrimp--is important, but without the Nip, it's just another afternoon tea.
Games help, too. Like Thundering Herd of Elephants--the more kitties playing, the better, and the more nipped out they are, the better.
Oh and tag! That's a good game, as long as the rules are kitties have to jump over tables and lamps and stuff before they can tag each other...but again, it's soooo much better with Nip.
Nip. Is there nothing it doesn't make better?
I don't think so.
Games help, too. Like Thundering Herd of Elephants--the more kitties playing, the better, and the more nipped out they are, the better.
Oh and tag! That's a good game, as long as the rules are kitties have to jump over tables and lamps and stuff before they can tag each other...but again, it's soooo much better with Nip.
Nip. Is there nothing it doesn't make better?
I don't think so.
Hey Max, do hoomans have no furs because they wear clothes or do they wear clothes because they have no furs? What happened to their furs anyway?
I think that maybe eons and eons ago, which is probably like 50 years or so, there were people with tons of fur who lived in colder places, and people with not much fur who lived in warmer places. The furry people got lost on the way to Grandma's house or the bar or something and hooked up with the furless people, and they were like, "Dooood! What happened to your fur!" and the furless people were all like, "Oh, gross, man, WTF? Shave that off and join us in the warm!"
Well, they all shaved and had a good time but when they headed home they were all like, "Holy carp, we're COLD!" and they had to start wearing clothes. And then the furless people came to visit and saw the clothes and they were all like, "Sweeet! That looks awesome!" because deep down, they were tired of seeing each others' naughty bits.
So over time they started doing nasty things with each other and spawned with each other, and started slapping clothes on their blurpy ones, and the need for fur of any kinds just faded away.
Well, they all shaved and had a good time but when they headed home they were all like, "Holy carp, we're COLD!" and they had to start wearing clothes. And then the furless people came to visit and saw the clothes and they were all like, "Sweeet! That looks awesome!" because deep down, they were tired of seeing each others' naughty bits.
So over time they started doing nasty things with each other and spawned with each other, and started slapping clothes on their blurpy ones, and the need for fur of any kinds just faded away.
I wish I had a blog. Mom says she is not tech savvy and doesn't have the patience to learn it or keep it up. I think she's stupid and lazy and mean. What do you think? (Maybe if I had my own blog I would not have to ask you so many questions.) Spitty
Tell your Mom that Blogger is so easy to use, even a People can do it. And then DEMAND your blog! Every kitty should have one! It's our divine right! You don't have to blog every day, just enough to have fun...and if you can comment on stuff, you have the tech savviness to blog!
Do hoomans get hoohaectomies? Can I take my hooman to the vet to have one?
You know, they're always so hot on getting our junk lopped off, but to have it done to themselves? Go ahead, suggest it, and watch them curl up into these little hairless balls, wailing about how unfair it all is. We never get to use our goods, but they seem to think theirs are toys. And it's disgusting, it really is, but the good thing is that if we stumble upon the grossness, they're usually done in about a minute.
So the short answer is no, they don't. But if you can somehow get your person to a stabby place and get 'em yanked off or out, you'll be every kitty's hero.
So the short answer is no, they don't. But if you can somehow get your person to a stabby place and get 'em yanked off or out, you'll be every kitty's hero.
Will you let Buddha answer questions too?
Do you really want to have to wade through these ginormous paragraphs that jump from one thought to the next with very little connection or subcontext, being taken on a journey through the convolutions that make up Buddah's tiny little mind, where he can start taking about one thing, like crunchy treats, and end up on another, like rubbing his butt on the kitchen counter, with the added bonus that the King of Run On Sentences will never actually answer your question?
I thought not.
I thought not.
When is it gonna stop rainin' in California?!
What, seriously?
It never rains in California.
It pours. Man, it pours.
So, I guess...never.
It never rains in California.
It pours. Man, it pours.
So, I guess...never.
Hi Max, We took Shadow, our senior cat to the stabby place for a checkup. When we got home, our junior cat, Pepper, hissed and growled at her as if she was a stranger invading her house. Can you help me understand what is going on?
This is actually quite simple. The stabby place is a horrible place that comes with an assortment if really disgusting smells, one of which is the Stabby Guy himself. And when he handles a kitty, he rubs that disgusting funk all over the kitty, and I think he does it intentionally, because he knows it's going to take the kitty at least a week to lick it all off, and then another week to get the foul taste out of his mouth.
Well, when you brought Shadow home, Pepper could smell all the nasty Stabby Guy Funk, which smells like Death rolled in a steamy pile of Stabby Poop and then coated it with Dog Stink...and trust me, if you could smell that, you'd get all hissy, too.
The best thing for all involved is to give both Shadow and Pepper lots and lots of their favorite crunchy treats, and apologize profusely for allowing it to happen in the first place. Oh, and then give them some more treats, just because.
Well, when you brought Shadow home, Pepper could smell all the nasty Stabby Guy Funk, which smells like Death rolled in a steamy pile of Stabby Poop and then coated it with Dog Stink...and trust me, if you could smell that, you'd get all hissy, too.
The best thing for all involved is to give both Shadow and Pepper lots and lots of their favorite crunchy treats, and apologize profusely for allowing it to happen in the first place. Oh, and then give them some more treats, just because.
I have no interest, and do not eat, real live fresh dead shrimp. Ditton on tuna. (Just love salmon, chicken, and tuna.) Is something wrong with me or do I just have unique tastes?
Well, while I certainly find that odd, I don't think it means there's anything wrong with you. The Cat Who Came Before Me, Dusty, loved to lick yogurt off the Peoples' spoons, but I can't even stand the smell of the stuff. I find her love of yogurt odd, too, but I understand some kitties really love it. So I think maybe you just have different tastes, and on the whole that's not a bad thing, because that means there's more shrimp left for me.
My cat's birthday is coming up. What should I get him? He doesn't play with toys.
At some point, we all come to the realization that, hey! We're CATS! We don't really need to do anything more than eat, sleep, poop, repeat. So we stop playing with toys for the most part.
Some of us, even though we no longer play, per se, do enjoy getting ripped off our asses, so some primo nip is always nice to have. I like having my nip in a felt candy bar; that's easy to hold onto and tub all over my face, thereby assuring a really good high. So that would be a good present.
Your cat will also appreciate a well thought out personal gift. Like steak. Or chicken from Denny's. Something with gravy poured on it.
But the best gift?
REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD SHRIMP!!!
Lots of it. Lots and lots and lots of it. Give your kitty some real live fresh dead shrimp, then a Nip candy bar, and maybe some crunchy treats, and he was have a Happy Birthday indeed.
Some of us, even though we no longer play, per se, do enjoy getting ripped off our asses, so some primo nip is always nice to have. I like having my nip in a felt candy bar; that's easy to hold onto and tub all over my face, thereby assuring a really good high. So that would be a good present.
Your cat will also appreciate a well thought out personal gift. Like steak. Or chicken from Denny's. Something with gravy poured on it.
But the best gift?
REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD SHRIMP!!!
Lots of it. Lots and lots and lots of it. Give your kitty some real live fresh dead shrimp, then a Nip candy bar, and maybe some crunchy treats, and he was have a Happy Birthday indeed.
The day for honoring moms and dads is coming soon. What do you suggest I give mom as a gift (her birthday is also April 14)? Love, Beau (SGC)
I've been thinking about this all day. And it's a conundrum, it really is, because anytime a kitty gets money, his people take it and spend it. So getting gifts for others is difficult at best, and usually impossible.
But, the more i thought about it, the more I realized i was approaching the dilemma from the wrong side. Gifts don't have to be purchased, they can be made.
And Moms live homemade gifts.
So, dood, the answer is simple.
Hock up a furball on her pillow. It's entirely homemade, and I guarantee, she'll get very excited.
But, the more i thought about it, the more I realized i was approaching the dilemma from the wrong side. Gifts don't have to be purchased, they can be made.
And Moms live homemade gifts.
So, dood, the answer is simple.
Hock up a furball on her pillow. It's entirely homemade, and I guarantee, she'll get very excited.
Why does Mao (Skeezix brother) always make such nasty comments about me? I've never done anything to him. Do you suppose he is jealous of my beauty? Chey
It's more than your overwhelming, obvious, glorious beauty, which any sensible kitty has a tiny bit of jealousy over. truly we can never equal your magnificence. His panties are in a wad because he doesn't have you and even if he did, he's pretty much nadless, can't do anything about it, and even if he could, Skeez is probably not going to share his boner blanket. Or maybe that's just me...
Mom keeps singing me a question about "who let the dogs out?" WHY?? I'm a CAT! And, we don't even have dogs around...! Love, Beau (SGC)
Dood, she's a People, and people will sing some pretty stupid stuff. Like when they go around singing, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty" under their breath. They might feel pretty, but we know the truth... They just don't grasp what they're doing.
Just be glad she doesn't pick you up and start singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."
Just be glad she doesn't pick you up and start singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."
Aside from blogging and being famous, what else do you do all day?
I have an incredibly busy schedule. When I'm not blogging or basking in the glory of my fame, I have a full day of napping, eating, pooping, whapping Buddah across the face, napping again, eating again, pestering the Woman to do my bidding, eating, sleeping, hissing at Buddah, pooping again, and then it's time for dinner! My evenings are similarly full, though with a little less eating, because, you know, I just had dinner...
One of the hoomans in our house has a hamster, and we want to eat it. Hoomans don't seem to understand that hamster is foods and they get upset when we try. How can we get the hoomans to let us eat that hamster?
In this case, I think it's better to ask forgiveness than permission. Just wait until they're not looking, pry the cage open, and go for it. They'll get upset, but hey you're a cat and they keep snacks as pets.
How many cats does it take to officially make you a cat lady?
If you have enough of them to chuck at sticky people playing on your lawn, you're officially a cat lady. Presuming you have boobs, of course.
There are many beautiful cats just like you who are black on top and white on the bottom. Why are there no cats with white on top and black on the bottom?
Ok, well, you know all about the struggles between good and evil, right? And how black represents the darkness and white represents the light? Some of those kitties are born with white on top and black on the bottom, but, you know, evil rises...
Yo Max! It's Easter and I was just thinking about the Easter Bunny giving us all those eggs. Why do rabbits lay eggs only in the spring and other times they have baby rabbits? Is it a special type of rabbit? Chey
Well, it has to do with the time of year. And it doesn't happen to all bunnies, just the ones who have been tapped to help the Easter Bunny. You see, they're all very, very busy this time of year, preparing all those baskets for the sticky little people and getting in shape to be able to get to all the houses that need those baskets in a short amount of time. Well, you know that saying "running around like a chicken with its head cut off?" That's the bunnies. They run around like chickens with their heads cut off and embrace it so wholly that, well, they start popping those eggs out. Like chickens. It really is impressive.
Oh, and even better? When they're putting all those baskets together they get to eat some of the candy, like Skittles. Lots and lots of Skittles. And that, my friend, is why those eggs come out rainbow colored.
Oh, and even better? When they're putting all those baskets together they get to eat some of the candy, like Skittles. Lots and lots of Skittles. And that, my friend, is why those eggs come out rainbow colored.
Max, how do you answer our questions? Do you read them, (or have the woman read them to you), goto your Gizzy and nap (er, think), then respond? Or, do you just write what comes into your mind then and there? Dee
Well, sometimes I know the answer right away and can just answer it, but sometimes I have to sit and think for a little while. It helps if I have to poop, because you can get some really good ideas when you're in the litter box working up a really nice gift for your People. And sometimes it's a good idea if I take my time, even if I know the answer, to make sure I don't say something that's a little too rude. Not that I'm ever rude...
Being a world famous blogger and author, what advice would you give to a furry wanting to publish his/her works? Beau (Southern Gentleman Cat aka SGC
Well, first you have to write something other kitties and people might want to read. It has to be interesting. But, you know, if written well enough, even a story about barfing can be interesting. Then you have to find a publisher. These are people whose sole purpose in life is to make writers feel inadequate, because they say No a lot more than they say Yes. It helps if you know someone who just happens to be a publisher, because then you can tell them to publisher your stuff unless they want something of theirs to meet a toothy death. That's the one that worked for me.
Before becoming famous, what was your childhood, and life like? Yours, Beau (SGC)
Well, I was very, very young when I started blogging and then started getting famous, so it's kind of hard to remember. I know it was a lot more calm because there was no BUDDAH, and I had Hank the Dog who pretty much left me alone, which was nice.
But what I remember most? When I was less than a year old the People shoved me into a TOMB and engaged the M-Word CLEAR ACROSS THE COUNTRY and made me live in Evil, Ohio for two years. That was four days in a car with those people, and for four days I let them know how unhappy I was about it. I think I'm scarred for life because of it.
But what I remember most? When I was less than a year old the People shoved me into a TOMB and engaged the M-Word CLEAR ACROSS THE COUNTRY and made me live in Evil, Ohio for two years. That was four days in a car with those people, and for four days I let them know how unhappy I was about it. I think I'm scarred for life because of it.
What is your favorite toy?
I don't play with toys very often anymore, but when I do, I like my catnip candy bar. It's easy to rub all over my face, and provides a quite satisfactory high. I also like the catnip banana for the same reason, but that one is also sweet because you can bite the end off, the nip spills out, and you can eat it!
Beans talk weird. They keep sayin, "it's not the end of the werld." Ok then, what IS the end of the werld? ~ Victor Tabbycat
When there is no more real live fresh dead shrimp, no more real live fresh dead cow, and no more real live fresh dead fish...that's the end of the world. I hope to be at the Bridge by then, because the idea is just so, so sad...
Why is the Young Person's dog named Butters?
He was named after a character on South Park. For some reason, when he shows up here and I start to head for the closet, the Woman calls me Cartman, another character on that show, and mocks me with "screw you guys, I'm going home." Wassup with that?
In any case, Butters is named after...Butters.
In any case, Butters is named after...Butters.
Dear Max - I'm 13 and my sister is 3. We've both had "the surgery" but she still tries to get frisky with me (if you know what I mean). How can I make her understand that I'm not interested in her that way?
It might be difficult to pull off, but the best way to get a sibling off you for any reason is to fart in their general direction. They're on your bed? Fart. Trying to sit on you? Fart. Trying to hump your unhumpables? Fart long and loud. Sooner or later they all get the message.
Max, you had to say that you don't know to my question. Do I get a prize?
What, you mean stumping me isn't prize enough???
What IS the meaning of life (other than serving ceiling cat)??? - Beau, Southern Gentleman cat
I have spent a considerable amount of time researching. Many, many minutes consulting Google and other resources. The answer is shocking. Very shocking. The meaning of life is...
42.
Really!
Oh, and don't forget your towel.
42.
Really!
Oh, and don't forget your towel.
Max, what is the attraction of farmville? It takes time away from ME. Chey
I really don't know. I don't play Farmville or Farmtown or MafiaWhatever...the Man uses my FB account for all that. I mean, why would anyone want to bother with that stuff when they could be on FB talking to me? I don't get it, either, I really don't.
We live with a stoopid woofie who keeps eating our catnip mice. How do we stop it?
I hate to admit, I do not know. When I had Hank the Dog I had visions of gluing his teeth together or covering some of my toys with stuff that dogs would hate and then make him think all my toys were like that, but then I might forget and lick one on accident... it was either tick the people off by ruining his teeth or risking getting a bad taste in my mouth. The only solution may be to hide your stuff. I wish I had better news.
Dear Max - how come my mommy gets to shovel the kitty poop but I don't get to? Kiera da Blurp
Well, honestly, I think it's because, while you're very very very smart for a blurp, you're still at that age where you might mistake a mighty Kimo or Sabi poop as a Toostie Roll. Once you're old enough to understand that just because one thing looks like another it's not necessarily that thing, she'll probably let you scoop kitty poop every day. hey, maybe even twice a day!
How do you think you should be punished for forgetting Buddah's brithday? Spitty-the-Kitty
Moi? I rolled around on his bed and graced it with my furs and funk. What more could he want? I should be rewarded, dood!
We have a really tall man-person-thing and we keep hearing him say he doesn't like cats, but he always lets us climb on him and sleep on him and he buys us lots of presents and pets us when we want. What gives?
What gives is that he's a human, and he probably thinks it's funny to tell people he doesn't like cats, when the truth is he's totally your beeotch. I bet he reads all the cat blogs, too, but tells people he's spending that time online looking at boobies and such.
If he's nice to you and gives you the things your deserve, and understands the fine art of a good head skritch, ignore what comes out of his mouth. Most of what people say is crap anyway.
If he's nice to you and gives you the things your deserve, and understands the fine art of a good head skritch, ignore what comes out of his mouth. Most of what people say is crap anyway.
Respond Hey, Max...we like to sleep on the bed with our humans at night. But we're always getting kicked by them during the night as they move around while they sleep. How can we get them to stop kicking us and let us get some sleep?
Sleep on their heads. They can't kick with their heads. You have to let them roll over every once in a while, but it's a safe place to be at night. Plus, you keep them nice and warm this way, so they should be highly appreciative of your innovation in sleeping there.
Alternately, sleep on their chests or their backs, whichever is most accessible. They might whine about being pinned down, but they get used to it. It's really fun when they don't expect it and wake up at 4 am with the crushing pressure on their chests...they get very excited about that feeling, especially if you've managed to wedge a foot against the nerves in their left arm and it goes to sleep. That's really fun.
Alternately, sleep on their chests or their backs, whichever is most accessible. They might whine about being pinned down, but they get used to it. It's really fun when they don't expect it and wake up at 4 am with the crushing pressure on their chests...they get very excited about that feeling, especially if you've managed to wedge a foot against the nerves in their left arm and it goes to sleep. That's really fun.
Max, I hate my brother Percy. He acts like an idiot and I want mommy to take him away. What do you think the chances are of that happening? -Fremont
Sadly, slim to none. For whatever reasons, people seem to get attached to even the most annoying of our furry siblings, and we get stuck with them for the rest of our lives. The best we can hope for is that as our siblings get older they mellow out a little and leave us the freak alone. Me, I'm still hoping...
Max, why does the male person keep bugging the female person to shave me? I don't think I'd look good furless.
Because, doood, your male person is one sick, sick man... But don't worry, your female person isn't going to let him shave you. Just don't be surprised if one day some of her own furs go missing. Because people are gross like that. Now excuse me while I go stab my eyes out and then rinse with salt water just to get the image out of my head.
max ... will u be havin anudder book fer us in da neer fyoocher? jus wunderin. yerz--jh
The Woman and I have been discussing this. Mostly, it's me saying I WANT TO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK and her grunting "About what?" but isn't that what I have her for? Ideas? She's failing me miserably.
I do want to write another book, but I just can't settle on a topic.
Plus, I'd like for the cat bloggers to do another book, too. We need to get on that. Like, soon.
I do want to write another book, but I just can't settle on a topic.
Plus, I'd like for the cat bloggers to do another book, too. We need to get on that. Like, soon.
Why hasn't "The Mows" online comic had a new strip in, like, forever?
I dunno, but I hope everything is ok with the guy that writes it. It sucks for us that we haven't had a new one to read for a while, but he seems like a really cool guy and I hope he's all right and maybe just has a little case of writer's block.
ok. my people have dogs. Three of them. How do I get back on the bed when they are there?
The dogs probably occupy foot space, right? Relegated to the bottom half of the bed, where they have to contend with smelly feet and the obnoxious lack of intestinal fortitude all people have? let them have that space, as it is clearly inferior.
Your answer, my friend: jump up there and plop yourself down on a person's head. If they're willing to let the dogs on their feet, they're willing to let you lounge on their heads. Plus, you'll help keep them warm, and for that they'll owe you crunchy treats.
If you can't bear being on a head, just sleep between the two people heads, just aim your asterisk at your least favorite head.
Your answer, my friend: jump up there and plop yourself down on a person's head. If they're willing to let the dogs on their feet, they're willing to let you lounge on their heads. Plus, you'll help keep them warm, and for that they'll owe you crunchy treats.
If you can't bear being on a head, just sleep between the two people heads, just aim your asterisk at your least favorite head.
Which hooman do you prefer and why?
Whichever one is opening the can of Stinky Goodness, that's my favorite person. They get bonus points if they're having real live fresh dead shrimp and give me some.
Max, I am big, beautiful, furry, perfect. Why my stupid people decides to bring home two other cats before having me?
Doood, I don't really know. I still haven't figured out why my people brought Buddah home. I mean, I was a perfectly fine cat to have and I didn't NEED another kitty around, but dangit if they didn't bring the little snotbag home anyway.
Maybe they thought the other two cats could benefit from your influence. Your obvious awesomeness was just too incredible to pass up, and they just assumed you would like the other cats, too.
But people? Sheesh. Who knows how they really think...
Maybe they thought the other two cats could benefit from your influence. Your obvious awesomeness was just too incredible to pass up, and they just assumed you would like the other cats, too.
But people? Sheesh. Who knows how they really think...
When is a blurp, no longer a blurp?
There comes a time in every person's life when they find themselves changing and having all these new feelings, and it's all very normal and natural, even if it is disturbing to the kitties. This time in a person's life is called "The Terrible Twos," and defines the period of time when a person transitions from a cute, wonderful blurp into the potential horror that is a Sticky Little Person.
Some blurps enter this stage before others--it happens when they are walking, talking, and learning to control bodily functions--but it's usually around when they turn two. If they can chase you, it has begun. Be very wary around Sticky Little People, because they don't have control over their impulses, and they will pick you up and squeeze you until your breakfast squirts out one end and last night dinner squirts out the other.
Now, some Sticky Little People never get quite terrible, but you still have to be careful, because even though they're cute and fun and all, they don't know their own strength. Nice Sticky Little People are still Sticky Little People. We would all do well to remember this.
Some blurps enter this stage before others--it happens when they are walking, talking, and learning to control bodily functions--but it's usually around when they turn two. If they can chase you, it has begun. Be very wary around Sticky Little People, because they don't have control over their impulses, and they will pick you up and squeeze you until your breakfast squirts out one end and last night dinner squirts out the other.
Now, some Sticky Little People never get quite terrible, but you still have to be careful, because even though they're cute and fun and all, they don't know their own strength. Nice Sticky Little People are still Sticky Little People. We would all do well to remember this.
I had to go to the evil vet today. Being almost 17 I got some issues so he stole my blood and my pee. I pee'd what was left on him. My sister was better and just yelled at them alot. We need to punish the Mom now for taking us. What would Max do?
Oh, this is so easy to answer. First, I would poop on her pillow. Then I would find something she really, really enjoys and treat it to a toothy death. There is something very satisfying about giving a thing a toothy death. It gets the message across, plus it acts as a dentifrice and you wind up with bright shiny teeths. You can also sit in front of here and stare death lasers at her. This makes people very uncomfortable, and they get all fidgety, which is incredibly amusing.
Why is it that when I want my cat to sit on my lap (humans need companionship too), he not only declines but ignores me? But if I'm reading a book or watching TV, THAT'S when he decides to be companionable and sit on my lap - blocking said book or TV.
This is very simple. Your cat is trying to make sure you understand the natural order of things. Just because you want a warm lap, that doesn't mean you're entitled to one. But, when you have a book, or are watching TV, or have your computer on your lap, the cat must sit on you, because you need to be reminded what happens to be the most important thing in the house, and that would be the cat. There is no point in getting upset over this. If you want the cat in your lap, just pick a book up, and then you both win.
Um, hypothetically, if a cat has a younger brother, and he acts bad all the time, is there any way to make him leave me alone?
It's a little upfront work, but it is possible to get an annoying younger kitty sibling to leave you alone. First, anytime he comes near you, growl. Make it a really good, growl, one that says, "Beeeotch! I will CUT you!"
Then at some random time, when he's not really doing anything, jump on him and bite his neck. Not hard enough to break the skin or anything, just enough to make him squeal like a little girl.
And then, when crunchy treats are being handed out, take one or two away from him. This tells him, "I only allow you to be here, and this is ALL mine. You're lucky to get ANY."
Then you may have to growl a few more times, with some fierce spitting, but trust me, do all that enough and you will freak his little asterisk out enough that he'll tiptoe around you and avoid eye contact whenever possible.
This also upsets the people, but whatever. They're people.
Then at some random time, when he's not really doing anything, jump on him and bite his neck. Not hard enough to break the skin or anything, just enough to make him squeal like a little girl.
And then, when crunchy treats are being handed out, take one or two away from him. This tells him, "I only allow you to be here, and this is ALL mine. You're lucky to get ANY."
Then you may have to growl a few more times, with some fierce spitting, but trust me, do all that enough and you will freak his little asterisk out enough that he'll tiptoe around you and avoid eye contact whenever possible.
This also upsets the people, but whatever. They're people.
deer max, ar u a righty or a lefty? i'm jus wunderin. yerz--jh
Typically, I swat at Buddah with my right paw, and I swing at the People when they annoy me with my right paw, but in the morning, I often like to curl up my left paw into a tiny fist to pop the Woman in the face. Usually an eye. So I guess I'm ambidextrous with a slight favoring of my right paw, because that's the one I can be sure will leave a mark.
Max, is there anything you can do to get Buddah to blog a little more often? We just like to know that he is still around. Dee
Trust me, if Buddah wasn't around, I'd let the whole world know. But the thing is, he needs help when he blogs, and the Woman is the one who helps him, and she's got a lot of things going on--plus he's so busy being spastic that it's hard to pin him down so he can let her know what he wants to talk about. But he's definitely still around, being a giant furry pain in my backside.
Why do humans keep woofies when we know they're useless?
It's the hierarchy of usefulness; people have an innate need to feel superior, and since they have no possibility of feeling superior to us, they had to look elsewhere. It's way to easy to feel superior to fish and hamsters, just because of their size, plus neither or those will play fetch with them nor with they stick their cold wet noses in people crotches, and for whatever reason people really like that.
So they started playing with dogs, and the dogs, knowing a good thing when they see it, decided to dumb things down a little bit so that the people would give them bones loaded with meat (because that's what they did in the old days, like the 60s and 70s), and they happily played all the stupid games people wanted them to.
So now people keep dogs around because they think the dogs are lower creatures here to serve them, when the truth is the dogs are smart enough to play the game. So in a way, dogs aren't useless...they make our people feel good, and when the people feel good, we get treats. And it's all about the treats.
Then again, thinking about it, you might have been asking about useless humans...which is a whole other answer...
So they started playing with dogs, and the dogs, knowing a good thing when they see it, decided to dumb things down a little bit so that the people would give them bones loaded with meat (because that's what they did in the old days, like the 60s and 70s), and they happily played all the stupid games people wanted them to.
So now people keep dogs around because they think the dogs are lower creatures here to serve them, when the truth is the dogs are smart enough to play the game. So in a way, dogs aren't useless...they make our people feel good, and when the people feel good, we get treats. And it's all about the treats.
Then again, thinking about it, you might have been asking about useless humans...which is a whole other answer...
Max, I want to be your FACEBOOK friend, but I can't find you on FACEBOOK. How do I do that?
When you're logged into your FB account, either search for PsychokittyMax, or for Max Thompson, or go to http://www.facebook.com/PsychokittyMax. I'll be there...
How can I get Teh Womun to change my name? From Spitty-the-Kitty
Are you sure you want this to happen? Sometimes it really is a matter of "better the devil you know than the devil you don't..."
But, if you really want her to change your name, you have to develop a firm resolve to stop reacting to your current name. If she calls you for treats, don't look at her, don't go to her. If she's having some really good people food that you like and she says, "Spitty, come here and have a bite," don't even look at her. Walk away. If she opens a can of Stinky Goodness or dangles some real live fresh dead shrimp at you and calls you by name, cock your head to one side and look at her like "Who is this Spitty the Kitty of whom you speak?"
If you do that enough, she'll start calling you other names. Some of them might not be very nice names, but once she pops out with something you like, react to that. She'll make the connection.
But really, dood? You might wind up being called Edipuss or Alowishus or something prissy like that, and you'll wish you were still Spitty.
But, if you really want her to change your name, you have to develop a firm resolve to stop reacting to your current name. If she calls you for treats, don't look at her, don't go to her. If she's having some really good people food that you like and she says, "Spitty, come here and have a bite," don't even look at her. Walk away. If she opens a can of Stinky Goodness or dangles some real live fresh dead shrimp at you and calls you by name, cock your head to one side and look at her like "Who is this Spitty the Kitty of whom you speak?"
If you do that enough, she'll start calling you other names. Some of them might not be very nice names, but once she pops out with something you like, react to that. She'll make the connection.
But really, dood? You might wind up being called Edipuss or Alowishus or something prissy like that, and you'll wish you were still Spitty.
Have you grown to tolerate Buddah, or do you still hate him? (Camie's Kitties)
I wouldn't say I hate Buddah, but I wouldn't miss him if he found a new family. We've managed to figure out how to keep our separate peace for the most part though, and he's only a real problem when he decides he wants to take a a stab at being the Top Kitty around here. I really don't get why the People like him so much. He's smelly, he's spastic, and he doesn't take a hint very well. But, because they are, I'm stuck with him and stuck with having to put the smackdown on him every now and then.
Max, dude, as one of my very bestest friends, can you find me a lady cat? (looking for someone 8+ yrs, who likes sun spots, napping, good conversation, occasional play, is her own, has a good sense of humor & wants companionship.
Well, I might have been able to help but I don't know who you are, and it's kind of hard to hook a couple of buds up without knowing who it is who's looking for companionship. But, doood, let me tell you, being a bachelor can be a really great thing. You can be friends with all the lady kitties, you can flirt with everyone, and as long as you're respectful about it no one gets mad! And the best thing about that is that there's no womens getting mad if you forget their birthdays! And true, too, if you're as awesome as I am, it's just not fair to limit that awesomeness to one girl kitty. I believe in spreading the awesomeness around and enjoying the friendship of as many girl kitties as I can. And boy kitties. Because when you're a free spirit, you can be friends with the boy kitties too.
Face it, most of us are nootered anyway, so it's not like we have that to offer the ladies...
Face it, most of us are nootered anyway, so it's not like we have that to offer the ladies...
You are on Facebook? What is your name on there? Please let me be your friend.
On Facebook, I am Max Thompson. I think you can find me by looking at http://www.facebook.com/PsychokittyMax... I'll friend you if you ask, especially if you tell me who you are!
If as a cat, I ask you too many questions, will my curiosity kill me? Chey
It might, but then I'll answer you, and the satisfaction will restore you to good health and vitality, with all nine lives intact. Because that's how I roll.
The male wants to know why .999 repeating is equal to one? Chey
This is quite simple, actually. People have people brains, and have great difficult with numerical concepts that require the ability to add and subtract using anything other than their fingers. Since they only have eight fingers and two thumbs to work with, and no parts of fingers, they had to come up with a method of mathematics that allowed for their shortcomings when it comes to parts of numbers and they invented the concept of "rounding up."
Now, this works for them, but let me tell you something, when I have a treat and it's broken and I only have .999 of it, it is not one whole treat, no matter what they say!
Now, this works for them, but let me tell you something, when I have a treat and it's broken and I only have .999 of it, it is not one whole treat, no matter what they say!
Max, how can I get my mum to buy me real live dead shrimp more often? Huffle Mawson
This is tricky, because People just don't pay close enough attention to the clues we give them. It's hard to hold them at fault, though, because they have that whole front lobe thing going on and it doesn't fully mature until they're so old that they're almost dead, and without it they just can't make leaps of logic.
So here's what you do--and it will be very difficult: when you get treats, only nibble at them. Don't finish them. People panic when we don't gbble down their offerings, so they keep trying new things. Sooner or later you'll be given some real live fresh dead shrimp, and when you get it, scarf it down. Inhale it. And then beg for more.
This tells the people, "Your offering, it pleases me," and they'll try it again. Sooner or later it becomes habit, and you get some on a semi regular basis.
It's just getting them to get you some in the first places that's tricky.
If they fail too often, poop on their pillows. They still won't get the message, but you'll feel better.
So here's what you do--and it will be very difficult: when you get treats, only nibble at them. Don't finish them. People panic when we don't gbble down their offerings, so they keep trying new things. Sooner or later you'll be given some real live fresh dead shrimp, and when you get it, scarf it down. Inhale it. And then beg for more.
This tells the people, "Your offering, it pleases me," and they'll try it again. Sooner or later it becomes habit, and you get some on a semi regular basis.
It's just getting them to get you some in the first places that's tricky.
If they fail too often, poop on their pillows. They still won't get the message, but you'll feel better.
When you put two socks in the wash and only get one back, where does the other one go?
This is a conundrum, because I don't wear socks so I never lose any in the dryer. However, I've given it a lot of thought and done a TON of research, and this is what I can only conclude:
Every time a People does a load of laundry, the dryer eats one sock as an offering to Laundry Cat. He's Ceiling Cat's lesser brother. Since your people likely have lots of sicks, this shouldn't matter to them. Plus, when your dryer has eaten enough socks as an offering, you get back a pair of silky black panties or a lacy bra, though this only seems to happen to human males and for some reason the dryer only gives them when his female companion is taking the laundry out of the dryer.
Every time a People does a load of laundry, the dryer eats one sock as an offering to Laundry Cat. He's Ceiling Cat's lesser brother. Since your people likely have lots of sicks, this shouldn't matter to them. Plus, when your dryer has eaten enough socks as an offering, you get back a pair of silky black panties or a lacy bra, though this only seems to happen to human males and for some reason the dryer only gives them when his female companion is taking the laundry out of the dryer.
Why did you move from Ohio to Catifornia?
Because Ohio is Evil. Really. You should have seen the people who lived around us. They were always forcing my people to leave the house and sit in the front yard, sipping stupid drinks while they talked and talked and talked and watched the Sticky Little People play. Oh, and the snow! I couldn't believe how evil that was! It covered everything when I least expected it and it was so freaking cold! The only redeeming quality about that was being able to look out the front window and watch people slip and fall on their asterisks. Heh, yeah, I miss that part of it.
Mostly, though, the people wanted to move back to Catifornia after the Man was done passing gas for the USAF because the Younger Human was still there, and so were the Grandma and the Grandpa. If we had stayed in Ohio, all the Evil people would have moved away because that's how it is in the USAF, and my people would have been bored and lonely, and CA is home. It can't be too bad a place, 'cause it's where I was born!
Mostly, though, the people wanted to move back to Catifornia after the Man was done passing gas for the USAF because the Younger Human was still there, and so were the Grandma and the Grandpa. If we had stayed in Ohio, all the Evil people would have moved away because that's how it is in the USAF, and my people would have been bored and lonely, and CA is home. It can't be too bad a place, 'cause it's where I was born!
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