How many roads must a man walk down before they will call him a man? And why does he have to walk down roads to be called a man?

Three thousand six hundred eleventy two. And he has to walk down them because that's where the jobs are, and men have to work, unless they marry some rich widow or unless they win the lottery, and even then, there's some walking involved, if not some groveling.

Dear Psychokitty, I also have a comedy-cat blog, would you mind checking it out? I would luv to write about you on my blog if you you add a little link onto yours? okays, here it is: http://www.wix.com/calvinandteddy/[REST OF URL DELETED]

OK, I *might* but there's this whole red warning on your blog that says WARNING:EXTREME DANGER DO NOT CLICK which makes me a little reticent to tell anyone about it. Now, I thought that might be part of the blog and supposed to be funny, but I didn't click on it just in case, so... unless I find out it's a safe blog, I kinda can't send my friends to it.

What causes are you most passionate about?

BOOBIES!
boobies...
You know, 'cause they make terrific pillows...

Do you watch TV, like Animal Planet? I knew a kitteh who loved watching baseball and pawing at the pitchers...

Sometimes I do. I don't watch it as much as I did when I was a kitten, but every now and then I like to sit there and watch tigers and lions and stuff on Animal Planet. And I used to watch General Hospital all the time, but I've kinda lost track of it. What I DID like lately was LOST, but now that's over, so I'm not sure when I'll watch TV again...unless I sit on the remote and Shop Erotic comes on again. I'll watch that just because I cannot figure those ladies out...

Some human wanted to put time in a bottle...wouldn't that totally screw the time continum thing??

Totally. I mean, if you put time in a bottle, the next thing you know you're saving days to spend eternity with some bimbette who probably doesn't know a good thing when she sees it anyway. And then you're gonna wanna make days last forever, and try to turn all the words in the freaking dictionary into wishes that come true...holy hell, the universe would explode if you managed to do all that...

What are your favorite toys?

For reals...my favorite toys are my catnip candy bar and my catnip banana. If I was gonna be snarky I'd say the Woman's face while she's asleep, but really, I love my banana and candy bar...

Hasn't Buddah had TWO middle names?

Yep...originally he was Buddah Butt, but then one of the Evil people from Evil Ohio thought Buddah Pest was funny, and we were all like YO! THAT'S PERFECT!!!! So that's his name now, Buddah Pest.

Dear Max, Sometimes I sit back, open my legs and sing songs to missing naughty bits. Do you ever do that? Love, Jack O'Lantern

Um.
Well...
No, can't say as how I do.

But hey, if it makes you happy, knock yourself out...but you should know, no matter how wonderful the dong you're singing, they're not coming back...

What's your favorite treat? (Sky's the limit, Woman-doesn't-notice-the-card-is-missing treat.)

Real live fresh dead shrimp, paws down. If I had my way, every meal would be topped with it. And there would be a real live fresh dead shrimp on-demand dispenser in every room. It makes me drool just thinking about it...

Max, Are you going to Scarborough Faire?

Sadly, I cannot, as I am out of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. But if you're going, please remember me to one who lives there. She once was a true love of mine, right up until the people got me neutered...well, and until she got all pissy about me demanding a cambric shirt with no seams or fine needlework. Sheesh, women...

Why haven't you been featured on the Today show yet? I mean, your brilliant!

Truly, they just can't handle my incredible black & white glory and my infinite awesomeness. Plus, there's the whole going outside thing. They would have to come to me if they wanted to put me on TV, but then the Woman would have to clean the house and we all know the odds of THAT happening...

Are you an indoor kitteh, or do you go outside too?

Indoor only...it's safer in here. There are no cars to squish me, no stray dogs to eat me, and other than Buddah, no evil introoder kitties. A couple of times the People have tried to take me outside on a leash or in a stroller (don't get me started on that) but I HATE being outside. I don't get the whole let's go outside thing. My food is in here, my litterbox is in here, my toys and water and nip is in here....why go out?

When Buddah was brought home, what kind of cooties did he give you (unintentionally, of course) that almost killed you?

He gave me the upper respiratory infection from H-E-L-L! I got a head full of snot, then a throat full of snot, then a chest full of snot. My pancreas went all wonky (and I was on drugs for that for FIVE YEARS, or maybe just two), I couldn't eat AT ALL for a long time and then it was slow getting back to getting food in me, I coughed and hacked and threw up, and then they gave me a drug that, doods, it gave me MACHINE GUN POOP! Seriously! I mean, it was fast and furious, and like grab the edge of the litterbox or you're gonna hit orbit kind of thing.

If I hadn't started eating again when I did, I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer. I was really, really sick (no exaggeration here...) Buddah, the little monster, was sick but got over it really fast.

How do I get to Sesame Street?

First you have to get out of the house. Then get onto the busiest street you can find, walk towards the sun for a little while, turn left at Albuquerque, walk for 5 hours, turn north, and as soon as you start seeing yellow feathers on the ground, make a right, then a left, then another left, and there you are. Watch out for the dood in the trash can, though, I suspect he eats kitties.

How did Buddah get his name? Is it because he is wise and serene?

=snort=

Right before the People brought him home, the Younger Human was reading all sorts of stuff and some of it was on Buddhism. So when he picked Buddah out of all the other kitties, he named him Buddah. The Woman inverted the 'a' and the 'h' out of respect, or something stupid like that.

I think he got the name out of irony, actually...

When and why did you start the whole eye punching thing? Should we try it too? With all due reverence , Pyewacket and Orion

You know, I don't remember exactly when I started doing that. Other things worked as well, like shoving my nose up one of the Woman's nostrils, or licking things on her face, or even turning the light on and off, but one day I just curled my paw up into a tiny fist and let her have it. I think I was just trying to knock and see if anyone was in that head, but I got her in the eye and it worked, so I keep doing it.

Should you?

Absolutely. It WORKS, dooods!

How and why did the hoomans get Buddah, as you already provided so much awesomeness?

They thought I might like a friend. Can you believe that? One day they went looking for another kitty on purpose and brought that little snot monster home, and he gave me those cooties and I ALMOST DIED!

They "saved" him from a shelter.

Some save.

When you lived with Hank the Dog, did you still not like dogs or what?

Not really. I mean, he was a perfectly good dog as far as dogs go, because he was eat ease with cats and didn't want to eat me, but he was still a dog. I just kind of avoided him, which made the People a little sad, because The Cat Who Came Before Me used to pretend to be his mother and licked him a lot. We had a peaceful co-existence, so they got more than a lot of people get when there's a cat and dog living together...

Some human once said, "To be or not to be...that is the question." To be WHAT?????

Since it was a person who said it, I'm guessing it's "To be a dork, or not to be..." though honestly, I don't think any of them have much of a choice...

How did you get your hoomans?

Well...I was born and eventually this young human took me home with her, where I ran around like my asterisk was on fire and jumped and played a lot, and eventually got stuck in a recliner, so she and her roommate had to take me to the emergency vet, which was very very expensive. That kind of made her think a kitten would need more money than she had...

Well, her roommate was friends with the Younger Human, who had been over and played with me and liked me a lot. And she was thinking she really couldn't afford, so he asked the People if maybe they wanted to give me a home.

Well, you know what? The Woman wasn't sure! The Cat Who Came Before Me had gone to the Bridge eight months before, and she didn't think she was ready for another kitty, but the Man was all for it, and then there was this, "well, he might just end up at the pound thing," so the Woman said I could come live with them.

Well, you know what the first thing out of her mouth was when she saw me? "He's beautiful!" I did lots of cute things to make sure she didn't forget it, especially the whole crackhead kitten thing where you run and run and run and then jump on someone and just fall asleep hard, and I became kind of a lap cat, but really only in her lap.

Well, you know, I was supposed to be the Younger Human's kitty, but a few months later the Man found out the USAF wanted him to go to Evil Ohio to pass gas. The Younger Human was in college and was working, and I had kind of attached myself to the Woman, so it was decided that I would go to Evil Ohio with the People and Hank the Dog.

And that's how I got my humans.

How did you get your name?

No one really knows... I came home with my name and the people liked it, so I got to keep it. I think the person who had me for a really short time before them named me, but I don't really remember.

uhh can we speak anonymously on zoosk instead of on here cause i wanna tell u something just click here [URL deleted]

No, No we cannot. Stop spamming me, doood.

Why do kittehs present their killed mice to the hoomans? It only makes them scream.

People are lame. They don't seem to grasp that the dead mousies--or bugs or chipmunks or birds--are gifts to be treasured. People should be HAPPY to get them, but no....they get all excited, and not in a Oh Yay way.

If you could pimp out a kitty condo, what would it look like?

Oh man...it would be floor to ceiling---10 feet tall ceilings!--and take up an entire wall. There would be platform after staggered platform for jumping awesomeness, lots of cubbies--low and high--a catwalk around the whole thing, ramps, plush carpeting, scratchy surfaces for my friends with claws, a built in food dish with never ending crunchies, a water fountain, nip dispenser, and 'round the clock fresh Stinky Goodness service. Oh yeah.

What would you say are your best qualities? Your worst?

Best: my smarts, my beautiful eyes, my stunning fur, my awesome personality, my shining glory, the way I make everything better, and my humility.

Worst: Huh?

Dear Max, when my people are at work I like to open as many drawers, doors, and cabinets as I can and rifle through stuff. What am I looking for?

Trouble.

At least that's what I'm looking for when I do that.

What is the secret to your success?

Toona water.
Seriously.
Well, that and innate awesomeness.
But mostly...toona water.

Why can't I pee anywhere I want to?

Because after a while, things start to really really really stink. And while it's kinda funny to see the people scrunch their noses up and try to figure out what stinks the most, it starts to hurt the kitty's nose, too.

I'm all for a good punishment pee, a nice long squirt in the living room on on someone clothes to get a point across, but otherwise...it's best kept to the litterbox, otherwise you just wind up offending yourself, and what's the fun in that?

Why do humans clean their teeth with a gooey brush? Why don't they just eat crunchy treats like us?

Because people like to complicate things. I mean, really, just watch them sometimes. They get dirty and they make this elaborate thing out of getting into a tub full of water or standing in an inside rain thingy, when they could just lick themselves clean. And gross, watch how they handle pooping. They could just do it in a box of sand, but no... They have to make a big deal out of everything, and that include their teeth. And they would like the crunchy treats, but no...they try to grind stuff off their teeth instead.

I say let 'em do it, but dangit, they have to stop trying to inflict that thing on the kitties. Because, doood, that thing tastes awful. I'd rather lick someone else's asterisk than get my teeth brushed.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg????

The chicken.

Seriously.

I mean, you don't get eggs without something alive popping them out or laying them, right? But you can get live things without popping eggs out or laying them. And I would think that in the Original Design, all the living things were created in adult form, because if not...? Well, doood, without the chicken there would have been nothing to sit on the egg and hatch it!

Mom says I eat like a pig, I'm big as a bobcat, kick like a rabbit, and act like a dog. What's with all the animal comparisons...???

It's because people are just stubborn as dogs, and can't let go of hyberole, I think...

Do you ever have book signings for your books? If not, why not? If yes, do you ever fly Pet Airways to other locations?

I've considered doing a book signing, but then I thought, "WHY?" If I held a book signing I would have to get into my plastic tomb and let the Woman stick it in the car, and nothing ever good comes from having to ride in the car. And then if nothing bad happened in the car, I'd have to put up with all these people at the book signing, and nothing ever good comes from being around too many people. And even if nothing bad happened around all the people, I'd still have to contend with all the screaming wimmens wanting to touch my glorious fur, because you know they wouldn't be able to resist, and nothing good ever comes from screaming wimmens touching your furs.

Wait...well, maybe something good would come from that but I just can't see risking it.

Max, whey you sing, is a solo or a duet with Buddah? Dee

You know, I tried to teach Buddah to sing with me and for a while I thought he was getting the hang of it, but he stopped trying. So when I sing, it's just me in all my awesome glory. And frankly, it sounds better. Buddah has a voice that can curl another kitty's innards at a hundred paces away. It's just...wrong. And when you;re singing at three in the morning, you don't want Wrong, you want Freaking Sweet. And that's me.

Isn't it a bit hard to type with paws? Or do you have a secretary?

It's an acquired skill. If I had claws it might be easier, because then I could tape away at the keys with my pointy tips, but since I don't have front ones anymore, I just have to be very careful about how I pound away at the keyboard. I wouldn't trust a secretary to not censor the awesomeness of my brainings.

I sense doubt in the atmosphere.

Would I lie to you?

Why do the hoomans call the thing attached to the computer a "mouse" when it clearly isn't?

For the same reason the get in a giant tub filled with hot water and call it "relaxing."
Because they're insane.
The ones that aren't insane? They were probably dropped on their heads when they were babies. Repeatedly.
Mostly...they're insane...

My kitties are bullying our woofies and eating their food! What should I do?

Take the woofies to the stabby place and get some new backbones installed.

Ok, really, size matters. If the woofies are tiny spastic yappers, they're probably afraid of the kitties, and they need to be fed where the kitties can't get to them. But if they're like big dogs? Doood, make sure your doors and windows are locked tight every night, because they're gonna be too chicken to protect you even from killer moths and evil introoder mosquitos. And then feed them where the kitties can't get to them and steal their noms, but point and laugh and mock them for their wussiness.

That's what I would do. Point and laugh.
Well, I would do that anyway. Just because they're dogs.

Oh, and give the kitties extra treats, because without them you may never have come to realize just how deep the woofy wussiness runs.

If you could have three wishes, what would they be?

1. To have as much real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, chicken, and cow as I want, on demand.

2. To win the lottery, so that I would have enough cash for anything I wanted and to be able to help my friends with their stabby bills.

3. To be an only kitty again...

Where is your favorite singing spot in your new house?

Standing in the hallway bathroom entry; it's this really sweet spot where sound carries into all the bedrooms, and also provides for some nice background echo. When I sit there to sing, it doesn't matter which room the people are in; they can hear me and appreciate my voice in all its fine, musical glory.

The Woman still seems to like to be sung for at 3 a.m. She gets very excited when I do that.

Do you purr much? Does Buddah?

I purr when I want something, usually when I'm on a lap and I want head skritches, or when I'm on the Woman while she's sleeping and I want her to wake up and pet me. Buddah purrs, but he's very quiet about it. He's got on of those purrs that you don't hear so much as you feel it, and he purrs when he commando cuddles the Woman.

How can cats become more charitable?

Let the people sleep in an extra 2 minutes, offer them a bite of your Stinky Goodness once in a while, hock up a hairball or two on the bathroom floor at 4 am. All of these things get people really excited, and are quite generous on the cat's part, so I think that would do it.

What gets you the most excited?

The aroma of real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, chicken, or cow wafting through the house. Or the sound of a tuna can being opened. Any of those will get me out of bed and trotting into the kitchen for a look-see and hopefully a nice big plateful.

Max, What does it mean when a kitty is lounging in Mom's lap, when they suddenly sit up, prick up their ears, and stare, where there is nothing that Mom can see? Should I worry?

Nothing to worry about. It's just the kitty hearing the whistling that occurs at very high tones as hot air goes in one of the person's ears and out the other.

Do you not like other kittehs, or is it just Buddah?

Well, I've never had to spend any time with other kitties, so I don't really know. The evil outside introoder kitties get me really excited, but I can't say I like or dislike them, just that they're where they're not supposed to be, so I feel compelled to try to scare them away.

The People seem to think that if I hadn't gotten so sick when Buddah came to live with us that I'd like him more, but I dunno...he would have been a pain in my asterisk no matter what. Another kitty, a less hyper one, might have been easier to learn to get along with, but we'll never know now.

Are you a cuddly kitteh? Do you like being picked up?

I do like to be picked up and cuddled when it's my idea. If it's a people idea, I'm totally against it. And really, I am a total lap cat IF it's the Woman's lap, especially if she's got her laptop computer on it and is trying to work. That's when I love being on a lap, when it's so obviously not the Woman's idea...that's when I know she NEEDS me on it, and I'm nothing if not considerate. All I ask in return is some head skritches while I push the computer to the floor...

Max, how exhausting is it being so cool?

Doood, I'm glad you asked that, because truly, it is so exhausting. I mean, I have to sleep at least 18 hours a day because of it. And you know what? No one here seems to respect that. I keep hearing comments like, "Have you even moved today, Max?" and "Don't strain anything rolling over," but really, being this cool is just tiring. At least I have a really spiffy mancat cave now...that makes for a perfect rejuvenation chamber; a few hours there and I've re-charged my cool factor by 80% at least. The otehr 20% I get from stinky goodness, real live fresh dead shrimp, and taking chunks of fur out of Buddah.

Why do humans insit on ruining real live fresh dead shrimp, cow, fish, and chicken by putting gravy and stuff on it? Don't they know that just ruins it?

They're pretty good at ruining everything... I really don't think they have much of a sense of taste as it is, so I guess they have to ruin things to taste them. I mean, have you see some of the stuff they eat voluntarily? Doood, my people eat oatmeal. That stuff has been pre-chewed and half digested already! Anyone who would eat that has got to have a screw loose...

If I give in and actually sniff my kitty's bum, will he quit presenting it to me?

Probably not, but chances are he'll get online and blog about how he got you to sniff it...

What's the best way to wake up lazy hoomans so they can serve breakfast already?

There are several tried and true ways to wake a lazy human up so that they can fulfill their felinely obligations. A paw smacked just so across their nose works well, but I find that if you curl your paw into a tiny fist and punch them in the eye, that works better.

Another good way to get them up is to creep gently on top of them, and then body slam into their face, neck, or chest. The bigger you are, the more impact this method has, and I find that I get a better reaction when I've dropped 17 pounds of black and white glory right into a face.

But the best way? Stick your nose or your tongue up on of their nostrils. That gets them up really fast, although your breakfast will likely be served with several choice words.