My cat keeps wanting to bolt out the door, at the last second before it closes. Why? And how can I stop this behavior?

The real question is "Why not?"

Look, whatever is on the other side of the door has to be more interesting than what's on the side of the door we're at. Kitties are curious, so we want to see what's there. There's only one way to stop that behavior.

Leave the door open.

Simple, really.

How can I trade in my female human for a better model?

Craigslist, dood.

You can trade anything there. If you work the deal right, you could get a better model AND a bunch of toys and crunchy treats.

But, if you don't want to deal with CL trolls, just sell her on eBay. Then use the proceeds to buy a new one. That might be easier.

Whenever I pass by, my cat always jumps on a chair and takes a swipe at me through the spaces in the back of it. Is my cat just blindly following "ins

Kitty is doing one of two things: just saying "hi, play with me," or, "I could kill you if I want, but I won't, because you have the thumbs."

If the kitty is not trying to eat your face off while you sleep, then I'd presume he is only trying to play with you.

If you wake up a lot with gnaw marks on your cheeks...start sleeping with an eye open and don't go near that chair.

What is proper conduct for new visitors to our home? Am I supposed to present my butt for sniffing to all visitors, including humans, or just firt tim

Flirt a little at first, and use that time to determine which visitor likes cats the least. It is very important to know which person will be annoyed by your presence: this is the person upon whom you must direct the most of your attention. Once you know who that person is, jump on their lap, lick their face or hands, nuzzle your head to their chin. And then...fart.

Definitely, fart.

If the visitors just LOVE kitties and want so very much to hold you and pet you, run and hide. They don't need to be won over. But, fart first.

Have you ever tried watermelon juice?

Yep, and I have to say, I'm not a fan. But I don't care for fruit in general, especially not Buddah.

Do you like to flop onto your side and get your belly rubbed?

Sometimes, but not all the time. The fun part about not always wanting that is making the people guess. Sometimes, I flop down and want to be rubbed, and it's all right. Other times I flop down and don't want to be touched, and they wind up drawing back a bloody stump. They don't much like this game, but I think it's great fun.

Are you ticklish?

Not specially...but I hate having my paws touched. Really, only the Woman is allowed to touch them, and only because she seems to always say "I'm sorry" every time she does. I mean, there's a lot she needs to be sorry about, but I think she's sorry about my claws being gone. I am, too, which is why I don't want anyone touching them.

Have you or Buddah ever been traumatized?

Dood. THEY CUT OUR BALLS OFF! How much more trauma does a guy need?

I have black and white fur. What colors go best with my furs?

I, too, have black and white furs, and find that red looks best on me; I have a red collar and it really stands out, and looks stylish. However, bright yellow is also good for a kitty with black and white fur, and if you can rock the pink, hot pink is spiffy.

Oddly, black just doesn't cut it. I once had a black collar, and it was just =meh= so I got another red one.

I wish I could rock the pink harder than I do. I'd totally be on board with hot pink.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Well...sure. It's not that far from here. But getting there means getting into the blue plastic PTU tomb, and then into the car, and I really have no desire to do that. Nothing good ever comes from a car ride.

But, if you need to know...get in the car, pull out of the driveway, turn left and then right and then left, drive until your person says Oh my God stop hollering! for the 236th time, and bingo! You'll be there.

Outside of your books (of course), what do you think are some really good Cat literature?

There are several other awesome feline writers to choose from. You have to read Sparkle's book, "Dear Sparkle", as well as Fin's book "Housecat Confidential" and Quasi's book "The World Is Your Litter Box".

No kitty's library would be complete without these. Truly.