Answers Are Moving! can still ask questions--and I've still got a backlog to answer--but we're moving to mousebreath! where I'll be answering questions every Monday on Ask Max Monday.

My cat keeps wanting to bolt out the door, at the last second before it closes. Why? And how can I stop this behavior?

The real question is "Why not?"

Look, whatever is on the other side of the door has to be more interesting than what's on the side of the door we're at. Kitties are curious, so we want to see what's there. There's only one way to stop that behavior.

Leave the door open.

Simple, really.

How can I trade in my female human for a better model?

Craigslist, dood.

You can trade anything there. If you work the deal right, you could get a better model AND a bunch of toys and crunchy treats.

But, if you don't want to deal with CL trolls, just sell her on eBay. Then use the proceeds to buy a new one. That might be easier.

Whenever I pass by, my cat always jumps on a chair and takes a swipe at me through the spaces in the back of it. Is my cat just blindly following "ins

Kitty is doing one of two things: just saying "hi, play with me," or, "I could kill you if I want, but I won't, because you have the thumbs."

If the kitty is not trying to eat your face off while you sleep, then I'd presume he is only trying to play with you.

If you wake up a lot with gnaw marks on your cheeks...start sleeping with an eye open and don't go near that chair.

What is proper conduct for new visitors to our home? Am I supposed to present my butt for sniffing to all visitors, including humans, or just firt tim

Flirt a little at first, and use that time to determine which visitor likes cats the least. It is very important to know which person will be annoyed by your presence: this is the person upon whom you must direct the most of your attention. Once you know who that person is, jump on their lap, lick their face or hands, nuzzle your head to their chin. And then...fart.

Definitely, fart.

If the visitors just LOVE kitties and want so very much to hold you and pet you, run and hide. They don't need to be won over. But, fart first.

Have you ever tried watermelon juice?

Yep, and I have to say, I'm not a fan. But I don't care for fruit in general, especially not Buddah.

Do you like to flop onto your side and get your belly rubbed?

Sometimes, but not all the time. The fun part about not always wanting that is making the people guess. Sometimes, I flop down and want to be rubbed, and it's all right. Other times I flop down and don't want to be touched, and they wind up drawing back a bloody stump. They don't much like this game, but I think it's great fun.