What IS the meaning of life (other than serving ceiling cat)??? - Beau, Southern Gentleman cat

I have spent a considerable amount of time researching. Many, many minutes consulting Google and other resources. The answer is shocking. Very shocking. The meaning of life is...

42.

Really!

Oh, and don't forget your towel.

Max, what is the attraction of farmville? It takes time away from ME. Chey

I really don't know. I don't play Farmville or Farmtown or MafiaWhatever...the Man uses my FB account for all that. I mean, why would anyone want to bother with that stuff when they could be on FB talking to me? I don't get it, either, I really don't.

We live with a stoopid woofie who keeps eating our catnip mice. How do we stop it?

I hate to admit, I do not know. When I had Hank the Dog I had visions of gluing his teeth together or covering some of my toys with stuff that dogs would hate and then make him think all my toys were like that, but then I might forget and lick one on accident... it was either tick the people off by ruining his teeth or risking getting a bad taste in my mouth. The only solution may be to hide your stuff. I wish I had better news.

Dear Max - how come my mommy gets to shovel the kitty poop but I don't get to? Kiera da Blurp

Well, honestly, I think it's because, while you're very very very smart for a blurp, you're still at that age where you might mistake a mighty Kimo or Sabi poop as a Toostie Roll. Once you're old enough to understand that just because one thing looks like another it's not necessarily that thing, she'll probably let you scoop kitty poop every day. hey, maybe even twice a day!

How do you think you should be punished for forgetting Buddah's brithday? Spitty-the-Kitty

Moi? I rolled around on his bed and graced it with my furs and funk. What more could he want? I should be rewarded, dood!

We have a really tall man-person-thing and we keep hearing him say he doesn't like cats, but he always lets us climb on him and sleep on him and he buys us lots of presents and pets us when we want. What gives?

What gives is that he's a human, and he probably thinks it's funny to tell people he doesn't like cats, when the truth is he's totally your beeotch. I bet he reads all the cat blogs, too, but tells people he's spending that time online looking at boobies and such.

If he's nice to you and gives you the things your deserve, and understands the fine art of a good head skritch, ignore what comes out of his mouth. Most of what people say is crap anyway.

Respond Hey, Max...we like to sleep on the bed with our humans at night. But we're always getting kicked by them during the night as they move around while they sleep. How can we get them to stop kicking us and let us get some sleep?

Sleep on their heads. They can't kick with their heads. You have to let them roll over every once in a while, but it's a safe place to be at night. Plus, you keep them nice and warm this way, so they should be highly appreciative of your innovation in sleeping there.

Alternately, sleep on their chests or their backs, whichever is most accessible. They might whine about being pinned down, but they get used to it. It's really fun when they don't expect it and wake up at 4 am with the crushing pressure on their chests...they get very excited about that feeling, especially if you've managed to wedge a foot against the nerves in their left arm and it goes to sleep. That's really fun.

Max, I hate my brother Percy. He acts like an idiot and I want mommy to take him away. What do you think the chances are of that happening? -Fremont

Sadly, slim to none. For whatever reasons, people seem to get attached to even the most annoying of our furry siblings, and we get stuck with them for the rest of our lives. The best we can hope for is that as our siblings get older they mellow out a little and leave us the freak alone. Me, I'm still hoping...

Max, why does the male person keep bugging the female person to shave me? I don't think I'd look good furless.

Because, doood, your male person is one sick, sick man... But don't worry, your female person isn't going to let him shave you. Just don't be surprised if one day some of her own furs go missing. Because people are gross like that. Now excuse me while I go stab my eyes out and then rinse with salt water just to get the image out of my head.

max ... will u be havin anudder book fer us in da neer fyoocher? jus wunderin. yerz--jh

The Woman and I have been discussing this. Mostly, it's me saying I WANT TO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK and her grunting "About what?" but isn't that what I have her for? Ideas? She's failing me miserably.

I do want to write another book, but I just can't settle on a topic.

Plus, I'd like for the cat bloggers to do another book, too. We need to get on that. Like, soon.

Why hasn't "The Mows" online comic had a new strip in, like, forever?

I dunno, but I hope everything is ok with the guy that writes it. It sucks for us that we haven't had a new one to read for a while, but he seems like a really cool guy and I hope he's all right and maybe just has a little case of writer's block.

ok. my people have dogs. Three of them. How do I get back on the bed when they are there?

The dogs probably occupy foot space, right? Relegated to the bottom half of the bed, where they have to contend with smelly feet and the obnoxious lack of intestinal fortitude all people have? let them have that space, as it is clearly inferior.

Your answer, my friend: jump up there and plop yourself down on a person's head. If they're willing to let the dogs on their feet, they're willing to let you lounge on their heads. Plus, you'll help keep them warm, and for that they'll owe you crunchy treats.

If you can't bear being on a head, just sleep between the two people heads, just aim your asterisk at your least favorite head.

Which hooman do you prefer and why?

Whichever one is opening the can of Stinky Goodness, that's my favorite person. They get bonus points if they're having real live fresh dead shrimp and give me some.

Max, I am big, beautiful, furry, perfect. Why my stupid people decides to bring home two other cats before having me?

Doood, I don't really know. I still haven't figured out why my people brought Buddah home. I mean, I was a perfectly fine cat to have and I didn't NEED another kitty around, but dangit if they didn't bring the little snotbag home anyway.

Maybe they thought the other two cats could benefit from your influence. Your obvious awesomeness was just too incredible to pass up, and they just assumed you would like the other cats, too.

But people? Sheesh. Who knows how they really think...

When is a blurp, no longer a blurp?

There comes a time in every person's life when they find themselves changing and having all these new feelings, and it's all very normal and natural, even if it is disturbing to the kitties. This time in a person's life is called "The Terrible Twos," and defines the period of time when a person transitions from a cute, wonderful blurp into the potential horror that is a Sticky Little Person.

Some blurps enter this stage before others--it happens when they are walking, talking, and learning to control bodily functions--but it's usually around when they turn two. If they can chase you, it has begun. Be very wary around Sticky Little People, because they don't have control over their impulses, and they will pick you up and squeeze you until your breakfast squirts out one end and last night dinner squirts out the other.

Now, some Sticky Little People never get quite terrible, but you still have to be careful, because even though they're cute and fun and all, they don't know their own strength. Nice Sticky Little People are still Sticky Little People. We would all do well to remember this.

I had to go to the evil vet today. Being almost 17 I got some issues so he stole my blood and my pee. I pee'd what was left on him. My sister was better and just yelled at them alot. We need to punish the Mom now for taking us. What would Max do?

Oh, this is so easy to answer. First, I would poop on her pillow. Then I would find something she really, really enjoys and treat it to a toothy death. There is something very satisfying about giving a thing a toothy death. It gets the message across, plus it acts as a dentifrice and you wind up with bright shiny teeths. You can also sit in front of here and stare death lasers at her. This makes people very uncomfortable, and they get all fidgety, which is incredibly amusing.

Why is it that when I want my cat to sit on my lap (humans need companionship too), he not only declines but ignores me? But if I'm reading a book or watching TV, THAT'S when he decides to be companionable and sit on my lap - blocking said book or TV.

This is very simple. Your cat is trying to make sure you understand the natural order of things. Just because you want a warm lap, that doesn't mean you're entitled to one. But, when you have a book, or are watching TV, or have your computer on your lap, the cat must sit on you, because you need to be reminded what happens to be the most important thing in the house, and that would be the cat. There is no point in getting upset over this. If you want the cat in your lap, just pick a book up, and then you both win.

Um, hypothetically, if a cat has a younger brother, and he acts bad all the time, is there any way to make him leave me alone?

It's a little upfront work, but it is possible to get an annoying younger kitty sibling to leave you alone. First, anytime he comes near you, growl. Make it a really good, growl, one that says, "Beeeotch! I will CUT you!"

Then at some random time, when he's not really doing anything, jump on him and bite his neck. Not hard enough to break the skin or anything, just enough to make him squeal like a little girl.

And then, when crunchy treats are being handed out, take one or two away from him. This tells him, "I only allow you to be here, and this is ALL mine. You're lucky to get ANY."

Then you may have to growl a few more times, with some fierce spitting, but trust me, do all that enough and you will freak his little asterisk out enough that he'll tiptoe around you and avoid eye contact whenever possible.

This also upsets the people, but whatever. They're people.

deer max, ar u a righty or a lefty? i'm jus wunderin. yerz--jh

Typically, I swat at Buddah with my right paw, and I swing at the People when they annoy me with my right paw, but in the morning, I often like to curl up my left paw into a tiny fist to pop the Woman in the face. Usually an eye. So I guess I'm ambidextrous with a slight favoring of my right paw, because that's the one I can be sure will leave a mark.

Max, is there anything you can do to get Buddah to blog a little more often? We just like to know that he is still around. Dee

Trust me, if Buddah wasn't around, I'd let the whole world know. But the thing is, he needs help when he blogs, and the Woman is the one who helps him, and she's got a lot of things going on--plus he's so busy being spastic that it's hard to pin him down so he can let her know what he wants to talk about. But he's definitely still around, being a giant furry pain in my backside.

Why do humans keep woofies when we know they're useless?

It's the hierarchy of usefulness; people have an innate need to feel superior, and since they have no possibility of feeling superior to us, they had to look elsewhere. It's way to easy to feel superior to fish and hamsters, just because of their size, plus neither or those will play fetch with them nor with they stick their cold wet noses in people crotches, and for whatever reason people really like that.

So they started playing with dogs, and the dogs, knowing a good thing when they see it, decided to dumb things down a little bit so that the people would give them bones loaded with meat (because that's what they did in the old days, like the 60s and 70s), and they happily played all the stupid games people wanted them to.

So now people keep dogs around because they think the dogs are lower creatures here to serve them, when the truth is the dogs are smart enough to play the game. So in a way, dogs aren't useless...they make our people feel good, and when the people feel good, we get treats. And it's all about the treats.

Then again, thinking about it, you might have been asking about useless humans...which is a whole other answer...

Max, I want to be your FACEBOOK friend, but I can't find you on FACEBOOK. How do I do that?

When you're logged into your FB account, either search for PsychokittyMax, or for Max Thompson, or go to http://www.facebook.com/PsychokittyMax. I'll be there...

How can I get Teh Womun to change my name? From Spitty-the-Kitty

Are you sure you want this to happen? Sometimes it really is a matter of "better the devil you know than the devil you don't..."

But, if you really want her to change your name, you have to develop a firm resolve to stop reacting to your current name. If she calls you for treats, don't look at her, don't go to her. If she's having some really good people food that you like and she says, "Spitty, come here and have a bite," don't even look at her. Walk away. If she opens a can of Stinky Goodness or dangles some real live fresh dead shrimp at you and calls you by name, cock your head to one side and look at her like "Who is this Spitty the Kitty of whom you speak?"

If you do that enough, she'll start calling you other names. Some of them might not be very nice names, but once she pops out with something you like, react to that. She'll make the connection.

But really, dood? You might wind up being called Edipuss or Alowishus or something prissy like that, and you'll wish you were still Spitty.

Have you grown to tolerate Buddah, or do you still hate him? (Camie's Kitties)

I wouldn't say I hate Buddah, but I wouldn't miss him if he found a new family. We've managed to figure out how to keep our separate peace for the most part though, and he's only a real problem when he decides he wants to take a a stab at being the Top Kitty around here. I really don't get why the People like him so much. He's smelly, he's spastic, and he doesn't take a hint very well. But, because they are, I'm stuck with him and stuck with having to put the smackdown on him every now and then.

Max, dude, as one of my very bestest friends, can you find me a lady cat? (looking for someone 8+ yrs, who likes sun spots, napping, good conversation, occasional play, is her own, has a good sense of humor & wants companionship.

Well, I might have been able to help but I don't know who you are, and it's kind of hard to hook a couple of buds up without knowing who it is who's looking for companionship. But, doood, let me tell you, being a bachelor can be a really great thing. You can be friends with all the lady kitties, you can flirt with everyone, and as long as you're respectful about it no one gets mad! And the best thing about that is that there's no womens getting mad if you forget their birthdays! And true, too, if you're as awesome as I am, it's just not fair to limit that awesomeness to one girl kitty. I believe in spreading the awesomeness around and enjoying the friendship of as many girl kitties as I can. And boy kitties. Because when you're a free spirit, you can be friends with the boy kitties too.

Face it, most of us are nootered anyway, so it's not like we have that to offer the ladies...

You are on Facebook? What is your name on there? Please let me be your friend.

On Facebook, I am Max Thompson. I think you can find me by looking at http://www.facebook.com/PsychokittyMax... I'll friend you if you ask, especially if you tell me who you are!

If as a cat, I ask you too many questions, will my curiosity kill me? Chey

It might, but then I'll answer you, and the satisfaction will restore you to good health and vitality, with all nine lives intact. Because that's how I roll.

The male wants to know why .999 repeating is equal to one? Chey

This is quite simple, actually. People have people brains, and have great difficult with numerical concepts that require the ability to add and subtract using anything other than their fingers. Since they only have eight fingers and two thumbs to work with, and no parts of fingers, they had to come up with a method of mathematics that allowed for their shortcomings when it comes to parts of numbers and they invented the concept of "rounding up."

Now, this works for them, but let me tell you something, when I have a treat and it's broken and I only have .999 of it, it is not one whole treat, no matter what they say!

Max, how can I get my mum to buy me real live dead shrimp more often? Huffle Mawson

This is tricky, because People just don't pay close enough attention to the clues we give them. It's hard to hold them at fault, though, because they have that whole front lobe thing going on and it doesn't fully mature until they're so old that they're almost dead, and without it they just can't make leaps of logic.

So here's what you do--and it will be very difficult: when you get treats, only nibble at them. Don't finish them. People panic when we don't gbble down their offerings, so they keep trying new things. Sooner or later you'll be given some real live fresh dead shrimp, and when you get it, scarf it down. Inhale it. And then beg for more.

This tells the people, "Your offering, it pleases me," and they'll try it again. Sooner or later it becomes habit, and you get some on a semi regular basis.

It's just getting them to get you some in the first places that's tricky.

If they fail too often, poop on their pillows. They still won't get the message, but you'll feel better.

When you put two socks in the wash and only get one back, where does the other one go?

This is a conundrum, because I don't wear socks so I never lose any in the dryer. However, I've given it a lot of thought and done a TON of research, and this is what I can only conclude:

Every time a People does a load of laundry, the dryer eats one sock as an offering to Laundry Cat. He's Ceiling Cat's lesser brother. Since your people likely have lots of sicks, this shouldn't matter to them. Plus, when your dryer has eaten enough socks as an offering, you get back a pair of silky black panties or a lacy bra, though this only seems to happen to human males and for some reason the dryer only gives them when his female companion is taking the laundry out of the dryer.

Why did you move from Ohio to Catifornia?

Because Ohio is Evil. Really. You should have seen the people who lived around us. They were always forcing my people to leave the house and sit in the front yard, sipping stupid drinks while they talked and talked and talked and watched the Sticky Little People play. Oh, and the snow! I couldn't believe how evil that was! It covered everything when I least expected it and it was so freaking cold! The only redeeming quality about that was being able to look out the front window and watch people slip and fall on their asterisks. Heh, yeah, I miss that part of it.

Mostly, though, the people wanted to move back to Catifornia after the Man was done passing gas for the USAF because the Younger Human was still there, and so were the Grandma and the Grandpa. If we had stayed in Ohio, all the Evil people would have moved away because that's how it is in the USAF, and my people would have been bored and lonely, and CA is home. It can't be too bad a place, 'cause it's where I was born!