Dear Max, how come my kitty Sabi won't let me hug him? Actually, he won't let ANYONE hug him. Kiera

Well, I know it's bothersome to a person, but some kitties don't like to be hugged, not ever. I don't really like it and will only put up with it if I think it will lead to a treat. Buddah only lets people hold him when it's his idea, and then only for a minute or two. So try to not take it personally...trust me, it's him, not you.

When you're older and not so sticky, he'll be older and maybe will let you hug him once in a while, as long as you don't squeeze. You don't want to squeeze. A kitty might accidentally poop on you if you squeeze at the wrong time, and when that happens, everyone winds up unhappy...

Our beans keep warshing our "Gizzy" quilts every couple of months - they warsh our smell of and make them smell like lavender and vanilla. WHAT GIVES?!

Bah...people are just insensitive sometimes. They don't stop to think about how long it takes us to get our Gizzies smelling JUST right. I mean, if they spent weeks painting a masterpiece, they' be pretty ticked off is someone came by and sprayed with with a water bottler, right?

Same thing.

I think they use lavender and vanilla because they think it will calm out furry littler asterisks down. Truth is, we're not calmer. We're freaking DEPRESSED because our Gizzy quilts don't smell right anymore!

I wish they would stop and think about it, but I'm pretty sure they won't. And that sucks.

Where have all the flowers gone?

Young girls picked them, every one... Damn kids.

My human has trouble with distractions. How do I keep her focused and on task?

Hmmm...Sit on her head. I have it on good authority that doing that brings a person's attention back on focus. just be prepared for a lot of head sitting, because most people need refocusing 30-40 times a day.

I think my human has lost her mind. What should I do?

Check the lost and found section on Craigslist, maybe someone else has it and is trying to get it back to her. Failing that, keep an eye on eBay. You might be able to get her a new one for cheap.

Why do humans insist on trying to brush us, bathe us, clean our teeth, clip our nails...?

There are two reasons.

1) People are wont to anthropomorphizing animals; they seem to think that because they want those things for themselves, that we want those things. They fail to comprehend that we are first and foremost animals, and that in the wild no one would do that to us. Granted, being domesticated, sometime sit helps to have someone get a matted chunk of fur out for us, but still...

2) They're insane.

What do you LIKE best about Buddah?

He's pretty good at getting the Woman to give us extra crunchy treats before she goes to bed. That's about the only thing he's useful for.

The people keep stealing our furs with a comb! How do we make them stop?

I find that biting, hissing, and generally throwing a chit fit gets them to stop. The People used to try to do that to me, but I put a stop to it real quick. When a person fears for their own safety, they leave well enough alone.

Our human might be broken... where do we get it fixed?

Oh, just toss it out and get a new one. They're never as good after they've been broken, anyway.

Do you like ice cream?

I don't know! I think I would like ice cream, but there's never any here because the Woman can't eat it. When they want something like that they go get frozen yogurt, but they don't bring it home, which is all right because I know I don't like yogurt. I wish I knew if I liked ice cream...

My woman brought home a new kitty 2 weeks ago and he is pestering me to death. What can I do?

When no one is looking, sit on the kitty's head. Take his toys away. Head butt him away from his food. Sooner or later he'll realize you're in charge and he must bend to your will, and then all will be well. Srsly. It'll work.

The man in the house always calls me dumb and stupid. Yet he and mom are the ones that goes to work all day while I stay at home in the air conditioning, napping. I never have to pay bills or buy groceries, this stuff just appears for me. I have my cat f

Meh. Some people have to say mean things to kitties to make themselves feel better about having to go out and do all the hunting and stuff. If he stopped to think about how he does everything FOR you, he might realize who the wiser of the two of you is. But I wouldn't count on it, what with him having a People brain and all...

How many kinds of stinky goodness are there?

Not enough.
Clearly, there are not enough...

There are dog days of summer. When are the cat days?

Autumn, Winter, and cool Spring days. 'Cause, you know, those are the days the People usually have the hot air blowing thingies going, and those are perfect for kitties to lay on and in front of...especially if there's FIRE. Let the dogs have summer...we have every other freaking day!

The other kitteh website shows that most kittehs don't spell well. How did your spelling get so good?

I think it's because I was so bored with the level of companionship in this house that I read a lot when I was younger. But, spelling doesn't indicate intelligence; some of the smartest kitties I know spell differently than I do. For all I know, they're the correct spellers, and I'm hosing up all over the place because I learned from PEOPLE books. In fact, now I'm sure of it. Because people? Not so smart...

Max, we tried getting under the bed next to the wall like you said, but then the Mom got a broom and poked at us! We moved, but the broom was long enough that we couldn't get away! What should we do then?

Hmmm...I think when this happens your only real option is to outrun her. Run hard, run fast, and get to the highest location you can, something out of her reach. Now, she might be able to get on a chair or ladder and get you, but when she does and she has your furry self in hand and over her head...poop. Copiously. And howl. Between getting pooped on and hearing you wail, she will become distracted, put you down, and go take a shower. While she's showering, you have time to find a really good hiding place, like deep within a closet, behind and under things where she'll never find you. At least not until dinner time...

Will my face REALLY stick that way?

Yep.
That's why you should keep doing it.
So you'll be unique.
And so we can point and laugh.

Why are cats blessed with the superior intelligence to know everything but do not have opposable thumbs and we have to be served by those with opposable thumbs who have no brains?

Because it gives those who serve us a purpose, and without purpose, they're just that much more useless. They got the thumbs and we got the brains; if we'd gotten thumbs and brains, then people never would have figured out why they're here. Because, you know, we got the brains...

What's the dumbest thing you ever heard a person say?

"Are you a hungry kitty? Do you want me to feed you?"
Um, DUH!
Like, ask me the obvious, ok?

Max, why are we gettin flea medisun if da only fleas anyone sawed were on Mom? ~ Victor & Nina PS where's da best place to hide so we don't get flea treetmint?

You're getting it because People suck and they over react to EVERYTHING. I mean, if you had a tiny zit on your lip, a person would be all OHMYCOD YOU HAVE FACE CANCER! So they see what might be a flea on ANYTHING, and the kitties get the drugs. Sheesh.

If you can, the best place to hide in under a big bed. Get up towards the middle closest to a wall...peoples' arms just aren't long enough to reach in there and grab you. And if they start to move the bed, you can move right along with it. Eventually they'll get tired and give up.

Who shot the sheriff (but didn't shoot the deputy)? And isn't it stupid to leave behind a witness?

Eric Clapton. But in his defense, it was in the late 60's or early 70's, so he probably had smoked a stupid stick or two and wasn't thinking clearly.... I mean, come on, he also sang about some chick named Layla who got hm down onto his knees and he was begging for, well, whatever you beg for that much. You know... Boobies.

How do you think world peace can best be achieved?

Put me in charge.
Seriously.
I'll sort everyone out and make 'em play nice.
They'll do it or I'll treat everything to a toothy death.
Everything.
People like their stuff, so...they'll do what I say, I'm sure of it.

What big brother advice do you give to Max?

Hmmm...this is difficult to answer sine I am Max, but I think the big brother advice I would give to someone else is to stand your ground when it's important, and to let it go when it isn't. There's usually enough crunchies to go around so you don't have to keep the other kitty from them, and there are usually enough head skritches to go around, so sharing the people isn't as hard as it seems.

But little brothers need advice, too, and to them I would say Stop being a butthead! Sheesh, just chill and respect the territory lines. AND DON'T TRY TO RIDE THE BIG KITTY LIKE A PONY!!! Really.

I've known you a long time now, and know you're a big softie at heart. Other than real live fresh dead shrimp, what makes you the most emotional? Beau

When my friends go off to the Rainbow Bridge... I know I'll get to see them there, and we'll have wicked awesome games of Thundering Herd of Elephants, and we'll keep each other company while we wait for our People, but...it's hard when they go.

I also get really upset when the TV is on and I hear stories about some of the really mean things stupid people do to other kitties and dogs and gerbils or whatever. People should know better. It's not like we're out to hurt them but some of them don't seem to mind hurting us...and that's sad.

I like to sleep on my human's chest at night, so she can't get up. Where is your favorite place to sleep, and why?

If I'm in the mood to sleep on the Woman, I like to curl up either on her stomach or back, depending on which side is up. Sometimes her legs. I just like to know that she can't roll over when I'm there.

My favorite sleeping place right now though is a toss up. I split my time between the chair in the Woman's office, and the bed in my mancat cave. It just depends on my mood...

On the Pedi Paws post... do you mean the People will be doing the sreaming, pooping, peeing? I make them do that anyways when I get bored. Nelly

The biting, pooping, and peeing, that would be all me. I am, after all, the King of pooping at will. Make me do something I don't want to do, and I am going to find a way to massively dump alllll over you. Well, that's a generic you, you know, I tend to reserve such actions for thoughtless people. The screaming, now that would come from the People. Such a satisfying sound...

Now that the shrimp from Louisiana are pretty much toast, where will you get your real live dead shrimp?

I'm pretty sure mine all come from Walmart, so I'm not too worried...

My little bean keeps hugging me - when is this phase gonna stop? (I just wanna nap already!) Kimo

I hate to tell you, doood, but you still have a long time to go. Since she's an official Sticky Person now, this will probably continue until she's not quiet so sticky...like maybe 17 or 18. But the good news is that she'll get a lot better about how hard she hugs in 4 or 5 years.

You could stop it by peeing on her every time she touches you, but I think your people would frown on that...

Why did the people steal your front claws? Does it hurt?

When the Younger Human brought me home I was a little, um, energetic, and we had hank the Dog, who was not energetic and so laid back that they were afraid I was going to scratch his eyeballs out or something. So when they got me nootered, they also got my front claws removed...but to be fair, they didn't know what it involved then, and if they could redo it, they wouldn't.

It doesn't hurt now, but I imagine right afterward it did, even though I acted like it didn't. Now it's just annoying, because there are times I would really like to drive a claw or two into Buddah... And I don't like anyone touching my front paws, though occasionally I'll let the Woman, mostly because she's gentle when she does and she always says she's sorry.

Have you tried the PediPaws nail filing thing? What do you think of it?

Noooooo....and if the People come at me with that thing, there WILL be bloodshed. And quite possibly screaming, biting, pooping, and peeing. All I have are back claws, and a quick trim with people clippers is good enough. The noise from that Pedithingy would just be too much to take. Nope. Never gonna let anyone come near me with it.

Have you ever read the comic strip www.twolumps.net? I think they encompass you and Buddah perfectly. My hoomans call me a snooch. I just don't see the similarties.... Orion & Pyewacket

I'd never seen it before so I went and looked...there's some funny stuff there. I'll have to look at it some more.

What kind of little critters have you caught and killed?

Just an assortment of bugs...I just like to rip their little legs and wings off, I don't even eat them. If they don't die from the terror, the Woman usually finishes the job for me and then berates me for not at least eating them like a "real" cat.

Now, the other day there was a bird right outside the front door that I totally would have caught and killed, but the Man said it was hurt and the Woman went out and scooped it up in a plastic container and put it somewhere we couldn't see it. I didn't even get to sniff the container, because she threw it away after! What a freaking waste.

Dooood, what brand nip you reccomend? =passes out=

I'm not sure there's any specific brand...most definitely the best is fresh grown. Doood, there is nothing like it...

Mom likes to eat nut things. Is that why she's so crazy?

Well now...the saying is "You are what you eat..."

When does a spaz kitty stop being a spaz kitty and turn into a cat?

Hmm... Well, I was certainly never a spaz kitty, but man, Buddah sure was. It was like having a furball hopped up on crack all.the.time. I mean, he tried to ride me down the hall like I was a pony!

If I recall correctly, his spazness started to wane, oh, about a month ago...and he's five now. But since he's "special" I think with other kitties it would happen around 2-3 years old.

What is the deepest, most thought provoking, profound thought you have ever had (outside of fresh, live dead shrimp that is)?

When life gives you lemons, chuck them at the first person to complain about your latest hairball...they'll feel better about the hairball because, hey, cleaning that up beats knowing the kitty can throw things, and you'll feel better because, hey, you just hit a person with a lemon and probably left a bruise.

If e=mc2, what does f equal?

f = gas³

When you can't get real live dead shrimp and have to settle for cat food, what kinds do you eat?

These days I'm partial to Purina Pro Plan Stinky Goodness...I really like the Turkey & Rice and the Chicken & Rice. It's just the right amount of meaty and gravy and some rice to make it look all maggoty.

Do you flop onto your side and roll over and over when you want to play with your hoomans? Does Buddah do that?

Not really...though I have been known to try that when a display of Teh Cute is needed...usually when I know there's something made of meat in the house that belongs not in the fridge but in my stomach...

Max, our younger human is gettin kinda big. Like, taller than Mom. Is he gonna haf to leaf home sum day? If he does, can I has his bed? Will he efur come back? Will he amember us? Will he smell diffrint? What if anofur kitteh dopts him? ~Victor Tabbycat

I've been through this, Dood... the Younger Human was already tall when he brought me home, but yeah, there came a day when he no longer lived with us. And then we moved to Evil, Ohio. But, ya know what? Even though we moved that far away, he STILL came to see me, so obviously he remembered me. Yeah, he smelled a little different, but I got used to it.

Now, if another kitty adopts him, it'll be ok. You're still his #1 kitty, and it means some kitty got a forever home. No, your real worry is if he does what my Younger Human did. Adopt a DOG.

And you totally get his bed. If he leaves it. Mine took his :/

Are you a spiritual cat? Do you believe in God?

I believe that there is something more, and that the Rainbow Bridge really exists, and there are hidden places with lickable Cheetos there. All that had to get there somehow...

Dear Max, What is your favorite day of the year?

Denny's Day.

That's whatever day the people go see my very good friend Denny, because he always sends home real live fresh dead chicken for me.

I also like Mr. Apple Bee's day, but not quite as much because he only sends hoem steak once in a while.

So yeah. Denny's Day.

I'm tired of mom telling me no all the time. What can I do to get her to say yes more, and no less?

You have to suck it up and play the cute card. Do things that make her laugh. When people are overcome by the cute, they say yes more often. It's humiliating, I know, but a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do...

Who let the dogs out?

Phffft...I did. Who wants a bunch of dogs in the house?