What style of litterbox do you reccomend?

A continuously clean one, but that's just a pipe dream.

Big and deep. You know the kind that has a top on it for "privacy?" That kind. But I prefer the top off.

Any small, and a kitty's butt could hang over the side, and that upsets the people.

What is the true purpose of a human?

To provide us with real live fresh dead shrimp, cow, fish, and chicken; to scoop our poop and clean up our hairballs; to piss us off with trips to the stabby place; to spend as much as they have to in order to figure out our favorite toys; but mostly, they exist in order to learn the joy of spreading kindness, something that in whole they need to really work on...

Why do humans like to dress up cats? Don't they know we look best in our own fur?

Because people are INSANE.
That's it.
They are INSANE.

Dear Max....You being a cat and all...can you tell me...why does my cat Jangles put his most-est favorite toy in his water bowl all of the time??

He's trying to drown it. Seriously. Our favorite toys are symbolic of our prey, and all we think is KILL, KILL, KILL and drowning it is less work than evisceration. I mean, really, why chase the dang thing when we can make quicker work of it with water?

My two older cats hate the kitten I just rescued. Is there a way they can become friends (or at least tolerate each other)?

I dunno, I never did learn to like Buddah, and barely tolerate him. But the best way I know of is to keep them apart for a long time and gradually introduce each others' stink. Them glimpses of each other, then short meetings... Even if they've already met and are living with each other, starting at zero can help. Plus, Feliway is supposed to help cats get along.

After a while most kitties pick their territory and just glare at each other instead of fighting, but that might not happen until the kitten has outgrown his crackhead stage. Util that happens the older cats are just going to be annoyed by the little spaz but eventually he's become less of a spaz and more like he's just THERE, and they'll get over it.

But, if they're hurting him...you might wanna ask your vet's help.

Why do some cats have long tails, some have crookity tails and some have no tails?

Long tailed cats have balance, so I think they got their long tails because they like to climb a lot and it just popped out longer to help them get around. Kitties with no tails developed because their ancestors lived in places where the people all had giant feet and their tales kept getting stepped on, so evolution just kind of made them shrink up to nubs. And kitties with crookity tails? Well, those poor guys got a car door slammed on them at some point, and they walk around with it kinda bent to say to their people SEE WHAT YOU DID??? YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! Because really, popping on a pillow just isn't enough when that happens.

Why can't I let Mom clip my claws? I know it doesn't hurt and she's really kind, but I HATE IT. AND I FIGHT IT. Why can't I relax and let it happen?

Doood, who can blame you? I mean, LOOK AT ME! I let some dork in pajamas touch my paws, and I wound up asleep, and when I woke up I was nadless and my claws were GONE. Bad things happen when we let people near our paws, so I totally get why you fight it.

You might also fight it a little because it hurts a touch? People have to kinda squeeze your feet to get your claws out to clip them, and I wouldn't think that would be very comfortable. Buddah has his claws but the people hardly ever clip them because he has several scratching thingies and he uses them a million times a day.

Thinking about it, they trimmed my back claws a few times. I didn't like it, but I didn't fight it. Maybe because after they do stuff like that I get crunchy treats. Crap...they've trained me, haven't they?

Who is heavier, you or Buddah?

I'm not really sure, but it's safe to say I take up more real estate than Buddah does. You just can't contain this much awesomeness to his little frame.

What are the 5 most important accessories every cat should own?

I'm not sure about "accessories" because I don't need things like scarves that match my shoes or even a bow to match my collar, but no cat's life is truly complete without these things:

1. Lots of high places for the kitty to jump up to and then look down upon his servants
2. Fresh, high quality cat nip in an assortment of toys pleasing to the kitty; if the people aren't sure about something, they need to keep trying until they have 10-20 different things the kitty approves of.
3. 5-6 comfy beds strewn throughout the house for the kitty's napping pleasure. These do NOT include the human beds, chairs, or sofas, but are in addition to those things. If the kitty doesn't like a bed, it must be replaced.
4. Crunchy treats. Many, many, many, many crunchy treats. I prefer Temptations, but other kitties prefer Pounce; it's up to the people to spend as much money as they have to in order to get exactly what the kitty likes.
5. Real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, cow, and chicken, as much as a kitty wants. This is CRITICAL to a kitty's well being and overall happiness, and people mist not overlook this. Ever.

Now, there are some other things that are nice to have, liek Cheetos to lick and feather toys, but the abover are must haves, for sure.

Why do humans shave off their furs, and human females color their faces??

I think it's because deep down they realize they just aren't especially attractive, and because of that they feel compelled to experiment with ways that might make them look better. It's pretty much a giant FAIL all the way around. And kind of sad, really.

Why is there no holiday celebrating the discovery of catnip (or for that matter..fish, chicken, shrimp, stinky goodness, etc.)?

Because every day is catnip-fish-chicken-shrimp-stinky goodness day! We don't need a special day to celebrate, because we can have fun Every.Freaking.Day!

It's good to be a cat, and that's a big reason why.

If you could have any 3 things you want, what would you wish for?

1. As much real live fresh dead shrimp, fish, chicken and cow that I want.
2. To have one of my books hit the New York Times Bestseller list and stay there for like a YEAR.
3. To be an only kitty.

That's not wanting much, is it?

Max, How come one of my brothers' unmentionables smells SO much better than everybody else's? We all eat the same, so shouldn't all our bums smell the same?

Well, you know, I think we leech out a little of our inner beauty, and it's got to exit somewhere, so it comes out in breath, farts, and poop (don't worry, you won't leech it all out and suddenly become all dark and ugly inside...it feeds on itself.) Now, if your inner beauty isn't all that gorgeous, there's gonna be some foulness tinged in there. That's all right, it doesn't mean that kitty is a bad kitty...it just means they got a little ook latched onto their inner beauty and it's coming out.

That explains a lot about Buddah...he's loaded with ook and OMG he stinks. Since I poop out sunshine and rainbows, mine is quite nice, and I smell wonderful. All over.

Truth.

Max, did you pee on the floor like Buddah says? Why would you do that if Buddah is already in trouble? Splain.......

Yes I did. And I did it proudly. And you know why?

Because the litter box was disgusting!

We're not talking Buddah got in there and peed before I could. We're talking it hadn't been scooped in TWO DAYS, and dooods, Max does not use a box that has not been scooped in two days. When the box is foul, Max finds another place to pee, and since I wanted to get my point across, which just happened to be "HEY! I don't care if Buddah is already in trouble and I can cute my way to treats, MY BOX IS FOUL!" I peed right there in front of the Woman.

And dooods, it was awesome. You should have seen how excited she got! She told me to "stop that right now!" like I was going to...I just kept peeing until she was practically picking me up.

But you know what?

She cleaned the litter box.

So it worked.

Max, here is a classic question that has been posed over the centuries and I need a definitive answer: How many angels can dance upon the head of a pin?

None.

Absolutely none.

Because angels are either ethereal, thusly having nothing with which to dance, or they're full sized beings, and wouldn't fit.

Besides, I doubt they would want to. Who can get down with their bad self with so little room to move?

What is the best advice you have ever been given?

"Try the shrimp."

Seriously.

Best.Advice.Ever.

If you weren't a famous writer, what would you be doing?

I'm thinking I would be a talk show host. Like Oprah, but better. And it would be better because I would have interesting guests, like Skeezix or The Meezers, and we'd have real kick ass demonstrations on selecting the best Nip, how to lick oneself and time it to embarrass your people, and we'd have killer games of [i]Thundering Herd of Elephants[/i]. You know, the stuff kitties want to see. Not like the stuff Oprah shows, like that interview with the Octomom, who I think really wants to be a kitty...

You are obviously a deep thinker. What do you think about when not writing books and answering questions?

Food, mostly. Real live fresh dead shrimp. Real live fresh dead cow. Real live fresh dead fish. Because, you know, all that thinking and pondering and writing requires a lot of sustenance.

Oh, and I think about pooping, too, because all that food has to go somewhere.

I wish I could say I think about world peace, but really. Food and poop. I can control those, sort of.

Buddah says you are afraid that woofies might eat you. Why are you scared, as you look and sound like a tough kitteh who can hold your own? Especially against a tiny, wimpy-looking woofie like Butters...

Because dogs are INSANE and they try to eat thing that ARE.NOT.FOOD! Butters is small, but doood. he's a spastic thing that just might not grasp that I am not a walking buffet. I'm tough, but I'm SMART...I'm smart enough to know that you can't always trust a woofy, and it's better to be careful around them because you just.never.know...

Why do humans use such confusing terms such as dawn, dusk, twilight, etc.? What's wrong with just day or night???

People have this whole thing about waxing poetic; they think if they have a dozen words to describe one thing it makes them seem clever and artistic. I don't think they realize it just kinda makes them seem a little bit lame. Instead of "Into the twilight did I roam" really sounds better as "Yo, I went outside. It was almost dark." They just don't get it...

Max, have you noticed that you have had over 500,000 visitors to your blog? Dee

I did notice it--after the counter had rolled over. So much for doing something special to celebrate the half million mark...

Is it OK to enjoy tummy snorgleing? Are there any guidelines, say only in private, certain days, etc? I am violated (my term) constantly. Maui

Sure, it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy it, but only when the people do it when you want them to. For them to go anywhere near your tummy when you don't want them to is a violation of your personal space, and you're then within your rights to either nip at them, or get up and go poop on something they like.

Now, a people would say they have no way of knowing if you want snorgling or not, but I would say to them, well, try it, and if you draw back a bloody stump, then you know the time wasn't quite right.

But sure, enjoy it when you want to, and bite things when you don't.

Why is it that sometimes the humans ask us what we want for dinner, then they fix us what THEY want us to eat and not what we said we wanted? Beau (SGC)

I really think they lack the pre-frontal lobe development necessary to make the leap of logic from asking the question to understanding the answer.

In other words, they're just not right in the head.

I've gotten to the point that when I get asked that, I just answer "Stinky Goodness" because chances are, they'll at least get that part correct.

If they're having something like real live fresh dead shrimp, though, I don't even bother asking, I just do what I can to get it. When you try to crawl over their shoulders while they're eating, they get the point: kitty wants some.

Sometimes, you just have to be direct with them. Because of their broken brains.

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever wanted a wife and kids?

Nope, never been in love, but I have lots of crushes on my kitty friends. You know, one time someone emailed and asked if I was a little light in the loafers, and I was like, "damn doood, I don't even wear shoes..." but then the Woman explained what the question really was, and after I got over my indignity about wondering why it even mattered, I felt like I needed to explain my world viewpoint.

Since the People went and got me nootered, I realized it didn't matter at all, and before that it only barely mattered if I wanted to put on some Barry White music and be all bow-chick-bow-wow with another kitty. And if I did that I'm pretty sure I would have wanted it to be a girl kitty, but ya never know, but dooods! I don't have the requisite parts, so now it's like YEAH! I can crush on anykitty I want to!

So I have lots of crushes, both boy kitties and girl kitties. They just have to be nicer kitties than I am. Except for Buddah, he's just too giant a pain in the ass even thought the People think he's sweet. Sweet? You should see the tooth marks in my neck!

A wife mighta been good back in the say and I could have supported her, and the whole kids thing probably would have been fun, but I don't think I missed out on anything, other than the whole bow-chicka-bow-wow thing by not having a wife. I mean, I've watched the people and it seems pointless to miss something that takes like 20 seconds.

On the whole, I think I would have rather had a sister than a wife.

An Answer To the "What Happened to the Mows?" Question

Asked in March, someone wanted to know what had happened to The Mows comic strip...I found a contact email address for the doood that writes it, and the good news is that he's fine, he just got distracted by other things. The bad news is that he mentioned wrapping it up. So there may be no more Mows, which sucks.

Why does Daddy insist in inspecting, and worse, shaving my pantaloons? I like that crusty mess!

People just have no idea how hard we work at getting our look just right, and then they go and screw it up. They're either just THAT BORED that they need to bother the kitties, or they think they're trying to help. He probably thinks he's helping, so you might want to cut him some slack for that.

The shaving,though? That's just wrong.

Today I hard scary words. The Woman said, "I'm kind of sick of ham." How can people get sick of ham? And if they don't want more ham why didn't they feed it to me?! Chey

I have been pondering this.
I slept on it.
I ate on it.
I even ate some ham on it.
And I can only come to one conclusion.

People are weird.

What are the elements of a good house trashing partay! K&S

The best house trashing parties have one common thing: Premium Nip. The food--like ham and chicken and real live fresh dead shrimp--is important, but without the Nip, it's just another afternoon tea.

Games help, too. Like Thundering Herd of Elephants--the more kitties playing, the better, and the more nipped out they are, the better.

Oh and tag! That's a good game, as long as the rules are kitties have to jump over tables and lamps and stuff before they can tag each other...but again, it's soooo much better with Nip.

Nip. Is there nothing it doesn't make better?

I don't think so.

Hey Max, do hoomans have no furs because they wear clothes or do they wear clothes because they have no furs? What happened to their furs anyway?

I think that maybe eons and eons ago, which is probably like 50 years or so, there were people with tons of fur who lived in colder places, and people with not much fur who lived in warmer places. The furry people got lost on the way to Grandma's house or the bar or something and hooked up with the furless people, and they were like, "Dooood! What happened to your fur!" and the furless people were all like, "Oh, gross, man, WTF? Shave that off and join us in the warm!"

Well, they all shaved and had a good time but when they headed home they were all like, "Holy carp, we're COLD!" and they had to start wearing clothes. And then the furless people came to visit and saw the clothes and they were all like, "Sweeet! That looks awesome!" because deep down, they were tired of seeing each others' naughty bits.

So over time they started doing nasty things with each other and spawned with each other, and started slapping clothes on their blurpy ones, and the need for fur of any kinds just faded away.

I wish I had a blog. Mom says she is not tech savvy and doesn't have the patience to learn it or keep it up. I think she's stupid and lazy and mean. What do you think? (Maybe if I had my own blog I would not have to ask you so many questions.) Spitty

Tell your Mom that Blogger is so easy to use, even a People can do it. And then DEMAND your blog! Every kitty should have one! It's our divine right! You don't have to blog every day, just enough to have fun...and if you can comment on stuff, you have the tech savviness to blog!

Do hoomans get hoohaectomies? Can I take my hooman to the vet to have one?

You know, they're always so hot on getting our junk lopped off, but to have it done to themselves? Go ahead, suggest it, and watch them curl up into these little hairless balls, wailing about how unfair it all is. We never get to use our goods, but they seem to think theirs are toys. And it's disgusting, it really is, but the good thing is that if we stumble upon the grossness, they're usually done in about a minute.

So the short answer is no, they don't. But if you can somehow get your person to a stabby place and get 'em yanked off or out, you'll be every kitty's hero.

Will you let Buddha answer questions too?

Do you really want to have to wade through these ginormous paragraphs that jump from one thought to the next with very little connection or subcontext, being taken on a journey through the convolutions that make up Buddah's tiny little mind, where he can start taking about one thing, like crunchy treats, and end up on another, like rubbing his butt on the kitchen counter, with the added bonus that the King of Run On Sentences will never actually answer your question?

I thought not.

When is it gonna stop rainin' in California?!

What, seriously?

It never rains in California.

It pours. Man, it pours.

So, I guess...never.

Hi Max, We took Shadow, our senior cat to the stabby place for a checkup. When we got home, our junior cat, Pepper, hissed and growled at her as if she was a stranger invading her house. Can you help me understand what is going on?

This is actually quite simple. The stabby place is a horrible place that comes with an assortment if really disgusting smells, one of which is the Stabby Guy himself. And when he handles a kitty, he rubs that disgusting funk all over the kitty, and I think he does it intentionally, because he knows it's going to take the kitty at least a week to lick it all off, and then another week to get the foul taste out of his mouth.

Well, when you brought Shadow home, Pepper could smell all the nasty Stabby Guy Funk, which smells like Death rolled in a steamy pile of Stabby Poop and then coated it with Dog Stink...and trust me, if you could smell that, you'd get all hissy, too.

The best thing for all involved is to give both Shadow and Pepper lots and lots of their favorite crunchy treats, and apologize profusely for allowing it to happen in the first place. Oh, and then give them some more treats, just because.

I have no interest, and do not eat, real live fresh dead shrimp. Ditton on tuna. (Just love salmon, chicken, and tuna.) Is something wrong with me or do I just have unique tastes?

Well, while I certainly find that odd, I don't think it means there's anything wrong with you. The Cat Who Came Before Me, Dusty, loved to lick yogurt off the Peoples' spoons, but I can't even stand the smell of the stuff. I find her love of yogurt odd, too, but I understand some kitties really love it. So I think maybe you just have different tastes, and on the whole that's not a bad thing, because that means there's more shrimp left for me.

My cat's birthday is coming up. What should I get him? He doesn't play with toys.

At some point, we all come to the realization that, hey! We're CATS! We don't really need to do anything more than eat, sleep, poop, repeat. So we stop playing with toys for the most part.

Some of us, even though we no longer play, per se, do enjoy getting ripped off our asses, so some primo nip is always nice to have. I like having my nip in a felt candy bar; that's easy to hold onto and tub all over my face, thereby assuring a really good high. So that would be a good present.

Your cat will also appreciate a well thought out personal gift. Like steak. Or chicken from Denny's. Something with gravy poured on it.

But the best gift?

REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD SHRIMP!!!

Lots of it. Lots and lots and lots of it. Give your kitty some real live fresh dead shrimp, then a Nip candy bar, and maybe some crunchy treats, and he was have a Happy Birthday indeed.

The day for honoring moms and dads is coming soon. What do you suggest I give mom as a gift (her birthday is also April 14)? Love, Beau (SGC)

I've been thinking about this all day. And it's a conundrum, it really is, because anytime a kitty gets money, his people take it and spend it. So getting gifts for others is difficult at best, and usually impossible.

But, the more i thought about it, the more I realized i was approaching the dilemma from the wrong side. Gifts don't have to be purchased, they can be made.

And Moms live homemade gifts.

So, dood, the answer is simple.

Hock up a furball on her pillow. It's entirely homemade, and I guarantee, she'll get very excited.

Why does Mao (Skeezix brother) always make such nasty comments about me? I've never done anything to him. Do you suppose he is jealous of my beauty? Chey

It's more than your overwhelming, obvious, glorious beauty, which any sensible kitty has a tiny bit of jealousy over. truly we can never equal your magnificence. His panties are in a wad because he doesn't have you and even if he did, he's pretty much nadless, can't do anything about it, and even if he could, Skeez is probably not going to share his boner blanket. Or maybe that's just me...

Mom keeps singing me a question about "who let the dogs out?" WHY?? I'm a CAT! And, we don't even have dogs around...! Love, Beau (SGC)

Dood, she's a People, and people will sing some pretty stupid stuff. Like when they go around singing, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty" under their breath. They might feel pretty, but we know the truth... They just don't grasp what they're doing.

Just be glad she doesn't pick you up and start singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

Aside from blogging and being famous, what else do you do all day?

I have an incredibly busy schedule. When I'm not blogging or basking in the glory of my fame, I have a full day of napping, eating, pooping, whapping Buddah across the face, napping again, eating again, pestering the Woman to do my bidding, eating, sleeping, hissing at Buddah, pooping again, and then it's time for dinner! My evenings are similarly full, though with a little less eating, because, you know, I just had dinner...

One of the hoomans in our house has a hamster, and we want to eat it. Hoomans don't seem to understand that hamster is foods and they get upset when we try. How can we get the hoomans to let us eat that hamster?

In this case, I think it's better to ask forgiveness than permission. Just wait until they're not looking, pry the cage open, and go for it. They'll get upset, but hey you're a cat and they keep snacks as pets.

How many cats does it take to officially make you a cat lady?

If you have enough of them to chuck at sticky people playing on your lawn, you're officially a cat lady. Presuming you have boobs, of course.

There are many beautiful cats just like you who are black on top and white on the bottom. Why are there no cats with white on top and black on the bottom?

Ok, well, you know all about the struggles between good and evil, right? And how black represents the darkness and white represents the light? Some of those kitties are born with white on top and black on the bottom, but, you know, evil rises...

Yo Max! It's Easter and I was just thinking about the Easter Bunny giving us all those eggs. Why do rabbits lay eggs only in the spring and other times they have baby rabbits? Is it a special type of rabbit? Chey

Well, it has to do with the time of year. And it doesn't happen to all bunnies, just the ones who have been tapped to help the Easter Bunny. You see, they're all very, very busy this time of year, preparing all those baskets for the sticky little people and getting in shape to be able to get to all the houses that need those baskets in a short amount of time. Well, you know that saying "running around like a chicken with its head cut off?" That's the bunnies. They run around like chickens with their heads cut off and embrace it so wholly that, well, they start popping those eggs out. Like chickens. It really is impressive.

Oh, and even better? When they're putting all those baskets together they get to eat some of the candy, like Skittles. Lots and lots of Skittles. And that, my friend, is why those eggs come out rainbow colored.

Max, how do you answer our questions? Do you read them, (or have the woman read them to you), goto your Gizzy and nap (er, think), then respond? Or, do you just write what comes into your mind then and there? Dee

Well, sometimes I know the answer right away and can just answer it, but sometimes I have to sit and think for a little while. It helps if I have to poop, because you can get some really good ideas when you're in the litter box working up a really nice gift for your People. And sometimes it's a good idea if I take my time, even if I know the answer, to make sure I don't say something that's a little too rude. Not that I'm ever rude...

Being a world famous blogger and author, what advice would you give to a furry wanting to publish his/her works? Beau (Southern Gentleman Cat aka SGC

Well, first you have to write something other kitties and people might want to read. It has to be interesting. But, you know, if written well enough, even a story about barfing can be interesting. Then you have to find a publisher. These are people whose sole purpose in life is to make writers feel inadequate, because they say No a lot more than they say Yes. It helps if you know someone who just happens to be a publisher, because then you can tell them to publisher your stuff unless they want something of theirs to meet a toothy death. That's the one that worked for me.

Before becoming famous, what was your childhood, and life like? Yours, Beau (SGC)

Well, I was very, very young when I started blogging and then started getting famous, so it's kind of hard to remember. I know it was a lot more calm because there was no BUDDAH, and I had Hank the Dog who pretty much left me alone, which was nice.

But what I remember most? When I was less than a year old the People shoved me into a TOMB and engaged the M-Word CLEAR ACROSS THE COUNTRY and made me live in Evil, Ohio for two years. That was four days in a car with those people, and for four days I let them know how unhappy I was about it. I think I'm scarred for life because of it.

What is your favorite toy?

I don't play with toys very often anymore, but when I do, I like my catnip candy bar. It's easy to rub all over my face, and provides a quite satisfactory high. I also like the catnip banana for the same reason, but that one is also sweet because you can bite the end off, the nip spills out, and you can eat it!

Beans talk weird. They keep sayin, "it's not the end of the werld." Ok then, what IS the end of the werld? ~ Victor Tabbycat

When there is no more real live fresh dead shrimp, no more real live fresh dead cow, and no more real live fresh dead fish...that's the end of the world. I hope to be at the Bridge by then, because the idea is just so, so sad...

Why is the Young Person's dog named Butters?

He was named after a character on South Park. For some reason, when he shows up here and I start to head for the closet, the Woman calls me Cartman, another character on that show, and mocks me with "screw you guys, I'm going home." Wassup with that?

In any case, Butters is named after...Butters.

Dear Max - I'm 13 and my sister is 3. We've both had "the surgery" but she still tries to get frisky with me (if you know what I mean). How can I make her understand that I'm not interested in her that way?

It might be difficult to pull off, but the best way to get a sibling off you for any reason is to fart in their general direction. They're on your bed? Fart. Trying to sit on you? Fart. Trying to hump your unhumpables? Fart long and loud. Sooner or later they all get the message.

Max, you had to say that you don't know to my question. Do I get a prize?

What, you mean stumping me isn't prize enough???