Answers Are Moving!

Doods...you can still ask questions--and I've still got a backlog to answer--but we're moving to mousebreath! where I'll be answering questions every Monday on Ask Max Monday.

My cat keeps wanting to bolt out the door, at the last second before it closes. Why? And how can I stop this behavior?

The real question is "Why not?"

Look, whatever is on the other side of the door has to be more interesting than what's on the side of the door we're at. Kitties are curious, so we want to see what's there. There's only one way to stop that behavior.

Leave the door open.

Simple, really.

How can I trade in my female human for a better model?

Craigslist, dood.

You can trade anything there. If you work the deal right, you could get a better model AND a bunch of toys and crunchy treats.

But, if you don't want to deal with CL trolls, just sell her on eBay. Then use the proceeds to buy a new one. That might be easier.

Whenever I pass by, my cat always jumps on a chair and takes a swipe at me through the spaces in the back of it. Is my cat just blindly following "ins

Kitty is doing one of two things: just saying "hi, play with me," or, "I could kill you if I want, but I won't, because you have the thumbs."

If the kitty is not trying to eat your face off while you sleep, then I'd presume he is only trying to play with you.

If you wake up a lot with gnaw marks on your cheeks...start sleeping with an eye open and don't go near that chair.

What is proper conduct for new visitors to our home? Am I supposed to present my butt for sniffing to all visitors, including humans, or just firt tim

Flirt a little at first, and use that time to determine which visitor likes cats the least. It is very important to know which person will be annoyed by your presence: this is the person upon whom you must direct the most of your attention. Once you know who that person is, jump on their lap, lick their face or hands, nuzzle your head to their chin. And then...fart.

Definitely, fart.

If the visitors just LOVE kitties and want so very much to hold you and pet you, run and hide. They don't need to be won over. But, fart first.

Have you ever tried watermelon juice?

Yep, and I have to say, I'm not a fan. But I don't care for fruit in general, especially not Buddah.

Do you like to flop onto your side and get your belly rubbed?

Sometimes, but not all the time. The fun part about not always wanting that is making the people guess. Sometimes, I flop down and want to be rubbed, and it's all right. Other times I flop down and don't want to be touched, and they wind up drawing back a bloody stump. They don't much like this game, but I think it's great fun.

Are you ticklish?

Not specially...but I hate having my paws touched. Really, only the Woman is allowed to touch them, and only because she seems to always say "I'm sorry" every time she does. I mean, there's a lot she needs to be sorry about, but I think she's sorry about my claws being gone. I am, too, which is why I don't want anyone touching them.

Have you or Buddah ever been traumatized?

Dood. THEY CUT OUR BALLS OFF! How much more trauma does a guy need?

I have black and white fur. What colors go best with my furs?

I, too, have black and white furs, and find that red looks best on me; I have a red collar and it really stands out, and looks stylish. However, bright yellow is also good for a kitty with black and white fur, and if you can rock the pink, hot pink is spiffy.

Oddly, black just doesn't cut it. I once had a black collar, and it was just =meh= so I got another red one.

I wish I could rock the pink harder than I do. I'd totally be on board with hot pink.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Well...sure. It's not that far from here. But getting there means getting into the blue plastic PTU tomb, and then into the car, and I really have no desire to do that. Nothing good ever comes from a car ride.

But, if you need to know...get in the car, pull out of the driveway, turn left and then right and then left, drive until your person says Oh my God stop hollering! for the 236th time, and bingo! You'll be there.

Outside of your books (of course), what do you think are some really good Cat literature?

There are several other awesome feline writers to choose from. You have to read Sparkle's book, "Dear Sparkle", as well as Fin's book "Housecat Confidential" and Quasi's book "The World Is Your Litter Box".

No kitty's library would be complete without these. Truly.

If I catch a mouse, do I have to share with the other cats or humans?

You don't have to. But it's good manners to share your kill with your People. If makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you give them gifts like that, so offering half is just polite.

I wouldn't worry about sharing with the other cats. If they want a mouse, they can catch a mouse. But they, too, need to make an offering to the People. Because the people, they have the thumbs that open the cans for us...

The man who passes gas...does he have stomach problems??

Hmmm. He might. But it must be some wicked good gas he produces, because there's a hospital that pays him to pass it. It's so potent that it knocks people put so the stabby guys can cut them open and peek at their guts. I don't question it too much, because his gift of gas affords me some decent Stinky Goodness and crunchy treats pretty much every day.

How much nip can we buy if we sell our woofie housemates?

Sadly, woofies don't have any real marketable value. I mean, come on...they're dogs. You might get a sympathy buyer, but I don't think you'll get enough for any premium nip. Maybe enough for a 3 ounce bag of generic brand. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Why do goggies like to eat cat poop? A friend's dog thinks the cat box is a treasure box of goodness (ewwww)!

Oh man, dood, I dunno, but Hank the Dog? HE USED TO EAT HIS OWN!!! Seriously! He would go out in the back yard and scarf down like it was candy. So so so so gross. One time he did that, and then at like 2 in the morning he puked it back up right next to the peoples' bed! You should have heard the gagging and retching sounds the Woman made. Heh.

He couldn't get to my box, though. It was upstairs and he couldn't get up the stairs, so he never had a chance at my poop.

But yeah, dood. SO gross!

Do you and Buddah share toys, or do you each play with your own toys?

We share a lot, but there are a few things that we tend to respect each others' ownership on. Buddah LOVES the little pink nip pigs, so I leave those alone. And I have no use for his scratching pads. But we'll both play with the nip bananas...I'm ok with him playing with mine as long as he doesn't try to play with it when I already have it. It helps that I don't play a whole lot. And he does.

I want to introduce a new kitteh to my current one, as I think he needs a companion :) How did your people successfully introduce Buddah into your hom

I wouldn't call Buddah and me a success...we still don't really like each other, but most of the time we're not trying to kill each other, so I guess that's good.

But...I think the best way to make it work is to keep the new kitty in a room by himself for a week or so, and let the kitties sniff each other through the closed door. After a few days bring out something the new kitty has used a lot so that the first kitty can sniff it and get used to his scent. You might wanna do this a few times.

Then after a week or so, gradually introduce them...a few minutes here or there until you increase the time that its so long they just either ignore each other or realize they really like each other. You'll know when that is.

Just make sure the new kitty is healthy before you do anything, like the sniffing stuff. Because Buddah was sick and gave me his cooties, and I nearly died. I think that's why I don't like him.

How can I get my human to take me leash walking more?

Well...I'm not sure why you'd want to but, I think the best way is to employ TeH Cute. And people can't resist it if you grab your leash in your mouth and drag it to them. Then meow a lot. Do this enough and you can probably manipulate the awwww into having trained them to take you out on command.

Humans say time is of essence. What is essence?

Well...as near as I can tell, an essence is an odor. Like herbal essence smells like pine trees. So when people say that, I think they mean time stinks. As in, "I have to stay late at work. This stinks."

People whine a lot.